Free To Be Me

There is a certain segment of you who are aware of my challenges in the employment arena of late. The frustration of being unemployed in such a shaky and scary economy resonates with many of us. Sending out dozens of resumes and on line applications without ever being called for an interview is demoralizing at best. My list of excellent references tell me that not one single person has called to check the validity of my claims.
Those of my generation have probably never known what it is to NOT work “for a living.” I was working at 16, waiting tables weekends and evenings. I also did a stint working in my hometown’s “drive-in.” Not the movie kind - but the soft drink, fast food kind of drive-in. My dad, by example, taught me to be hard working, honest and loyal to my job. Daddy also believed that it was your responsibility as an employee to treat that company or business as if it were your own. And, I am proud to say, I think I lived up to his teaching.
There have been few times since the age of 16 that I have not been gainfully employed. Yet, I learned to fear those moments of no weekly paycheck with the same fervor I fear Christmas tinsel and Easter grass. But, now at 60, I find myself in exactly the situation I spent my whole life being afraid of.
I have learned, and learned harshly, sometimes we need a “ring-ring, wake-up call” moment to entirely change our perspective. And, the old saying “face your fear and it will disappear,” is proving to be more right than not.
For me, the wake-up call pretty much steam rolled me up against a brick wall and left me bruised and seething with resentment. It came in the form of a screeching end to a dead end job. For two years, I worked for someone with questionable business ethics, few if any morals and a genuine lack of concern for the people who greased the wheels of their machine with honest sweat.
On top of not being the quality person I had been used to dealing with, this was a person who also felt any means justified their goal. And, if letting employees with families and small children go for 2 weeks without pay made sure their new air conditioning unit was paid for, so be it.
And yet, I persevered. Looking back I am amazed and wonder why? Was the uncertainty of not working and not having a paycheck worse than the reality of working and not having one I could depend on? Or was working so deeply ingrained in my personality that I didn’t know any other way to be?
Strangely enough I didn’t quit this job. It quit me. No, I didn’t get fired – a simple misunderstanding took on a life of its’ own and my lack of employment was the result. Even in this situation I saw my employer’s “true colors.” I also came to fully understand the depth of their immaturity and love of always playing the victim. It is a telling statement that they still owe me money which I have no hope of getting. And, in order to collect, I have to play their stupid little game and I refuse to play.
When the first moment arrived when I would have ordinarily been pulling myself together to start a new week of uncertainty and unhappiness, I found I was anything but. One thing I was certain of was that while I might not be “working” I would not be idle. And, while my cash flow might be lessened my happiness would not.
I’ve never been lazy and I am very good at keeping myself busy. I have lots of hobbies and several dogs that can always use my attention. My husband who is not a good “paper” person, needs some help in managing the mountains of paper his business breeds. My hard working daughter can use a little help with her house from time to time. And, my own house, which has suffered from gross neglect for a year now, is starting to appreciate a little attention as well.
And, on a more personal note, I am learning that a nice leisurely bath at 10:00 in the morning in a quiet house can certainly set the tone to make your day a more pleasant experience. And strangely enough, I am also learning that getting dressed isn’t such a hassle if you aren’t hurried and hassled to do it by X o’clock. For the first time in a long time, my life is my own. If I want to cook, I cook. If I want to take the day and read, I can. If I want to work on my books I have that option. I am FREE to be me. And I am rediscovering that being me is a pretty good thing.
It is said that when God closes a door, He opens a window. He had to PUSH me through my window, but when I landed on the other side, I saw a brand new day. And anything brand new has endless possibilities.
So for me….for now….if anyone needs something repaired, enhanced or removed via Photoshop, I have the equivalent of PHD and will do it very reasonably. I have numerous needlework projects in various stages of completion that are calling to me from dark closet corners. Perhaps you need makeup or jewelry, I can help you out in those areas as well. Maybe you just need a friend, a shoulder to lean on and a listening ear, I am finally unattached and available to help you. And, if at some point you might want to purchase a book I plan on publishing, let me know.

Free at last, free at last. Thanks be to God, I am finally free at last.