Change Your Spots

"A leopard can never change its' spots." I take this to mean people are what they are and can't change. I don't think there is a cliche in the English language that makes me madder than this one.
Does this mean when people step back, review their behavior and past mistakes they are doomed to repeat them over & over. NOT! I really disagree with this. While we all are products of our environment, gene pool, & upbringing, we are each responsible for our own behavior.
To make excuses for our own bad behavior by citing outside influences is wrong. And to rationalize our actions instead of looking inward makes us excuse makers.
I know few people blessed with a "perfect" childhood. There are no perfect parents, nor are there any perfect children. There are some who come amazingly close. Some try to achieve perfection by being everything to everyone. Well, that's physically impossible because people will unerringly see our shortcomings and fail to see how hard we tried.
Life is learning. Growing up teaches friendship, physical love and parental tolerance. Marriage teaches tolerance of another's imperfections. Parenting is the most humbling learning experience of all. You have brought another human being into the world and you will never love anything the same way you love a child. Therefore, this is the place you are destined to make most of your mistakes.
To parent we draw on our own experiences as children and try to improve the areas we feel we were slighted. But, children are different just as parents are different. You do not parent children the same. They need differently, think differently, feel and react differently. And....the little nose miners keep score. From an early age they can tell you almost to the dollar how much money you have spent on siblings as opposed to what you have invested in them. Interestingly enough those same little human calculators will struggle with math in school. The one thing they cannot tally is the trust and emotion you invest in them as opposed to others. This is why we have all heard and said "Just wait until you have children of your own!"
Unlike a lot of people, I am very hard on myself while at the same time take immense pride in my smallest achievements. I have had to critically assess my own personality and try very hard to make needed improvements.
I am the product of an erratic, negative & critical parent. I've never thought for one moment I was a source of pride. My mom also can be at times, generous, fun, thoughtful and caring. But she is never someone to be counted on. If you prepare for the worst, she will surprise you and do something wonderful. If you expect the best, she will quite often let you down.
I've spent most of my life trying to be the person I thought she needed me to be. Then I tried to be the mother I knew I needed to be. My greatest desire in life was to know that my mother thought me a good daughter and a good mother.
I have tried to give my children a good example to look up to by showing them a hard work ethic and honesty in dealing with others. Unfortunately, at times, I have also shown them things that weren't so positive. As a parent I was frequently too emotional, too critical, too negative and too overly excited about things that didn't matter.
Aging makes you reevaluate many things. And you begin to change your approach to life.
I still fail, but I keep trying. I still worry, but I cling to faith in a brighter tomorrow. I still judge, but not as critically. I still meddle, but less and less everyday. I try to help where I can, little bits of money, chores to ease someone else's burden, a listening ear when someone needs to vent and an honest assessment when I think someone is acting in a manner not worthy of them. Confusing? Maybe a little. I'm still very honest and will give an honest opinion. I try not to hold grudges and I simply don't get mad anymore. Getting mad serves no purpose except to make me feel bad.
So, can you change your spots? Yes you can. I did. But in order to do so you have to first recognize that something is wrong with you. Once that is done you have gone 90% of the way to changing it. Then you guard yourself everyday against the triggers that cause bad behavior. Lastly, relax, relax, relax and realize that not everything that happens in the world is about you, for you or affects you. You are not the center of the universe, you are not the supreme authority on all things wise and wonderful.
What you are is magnificently made, yet flawed just like everyone else. Be careful not to concentrate on the pimple on your neighbor's nose you just might miss seeing the wart at the end of your own.