Those Are the Biggest Uggs I've Ever Seen

There are interesting folk at hospitals. Only the Bus Station and Wal-Mart at Midnight can rival a busy hospital for sheer people watching pleasure. Since I have been semi-residing at a local hospital long enough for most other visitors to think I work there I have seen some sights.
Perhaps one of the best things I've seen to date was the guy(?) who was easily 7 feet tall with a full head of curly luxuriant blond hair schlepping up and down the hall. This person was so large that the two hospital johnnys he was wearing (one front and one back) were seriously tasked to cover all his(?) magnificence. Now you've noticed the question marks I'm sure. Those are there because I am not entirely positive that I had this fellow's(?) gender correctly identified.
I was pretty sure it was a guy until I got down to the feet. Honestly, those UGG boots could have been used in Hurricane Katrina to float a family of 5 to safety. I guess I'm pretty fashion challenged because somehow I had the idea those boots were girl's boots. They look like girl's boots to me but then what would I know? Maybe they are gender neutral like Birkenstock sandals.
When first spotted the UGG wearer was pushing an IV pole up and down the hall. Soon there was no need for constant saline drip and the walker walked alone. But I became further confused on the day of discharge. There was my mystery man(?) obviously ready to depart from organized health care. The attire was not appropriate for cooler weather, however. In addition to the UGGs, the dischargee was wearing a pair of exceedingly short navy blue shorts and a navy sleeveless vest which was "thrillingly" open to the navel. For safety's sake I am going to go ahead and commit to the male identity of Mr. Large since I saw no readily identifiable features to indicate otherwise. I will say this was one of the largest people I have ever seen and those were the biggest damn boots ever manufactured. And UGG I say and UGG again.

What the Fresh Hell is This?

After spending the last 3 days trying to keep my mother from spiraling out of control, her doctor sends in the B team today. He comes in listens to her heart momentarily, leaves and the next thing I know the nurse is coming in saying he has ordered an IV re-inserted and a heart monitor. Well, mom is officially now orbiting around a previously unknown planet. And I can't say as I blame her. She just got rid of both of those things 3 days ago and they have said repeatedly they can find nothing medically wrong with her other than the blood pressure thing and the out of whack thyroid.
Honestly, I would like to go get that little fart and make HIM spend the night up here with her.
We are waiting on a bed at Sparks for her in their senior care unit where they will do some psych evaluations and try to help me determine what my next course of action should be.

Afterthought: I should have included this in my post. We refused the IV and Heart Monitor - those were not necessary as they just took out her IV port yesterday and there has never been even the slightest blip of a problem with her heart and I have the Cardiology report to back me up. All we have are blood pressure, thyroid and behavioral problems at this point.

Alarm Clock For Sale

For Sale: One antique alarm clock. Not very dependable but is guaranteed to at least wake you before sun-up every day. Clock will deliver negative affirmation to insure that you begin a new day feeling like the piece of dirt you are. Clock has been known to cry, threaten, and make empty promises. Features you are sure to enjoy are the "I'm getting out of here one way or another setting." or the "I can't believe you would do me this way litany." Litany plays all day until clock is turned to sleep mode.
Clock is very valuable to present owner but she has had all the negative input she can hold and needs to empty the negativity tanks.
Picture available upon request or can be seen in person by contacting the mayor of Crazytown. BR 549.

4:44 Or Fight

Was awakened this morning at the peaceful hour of 4:44 by a phone call from mom. Honestly, the woman can't manage to open her cell phone most of the time but she was spot on in using it at the butt crack of dawn today.
Our conversation started harmlessly enough with her inquiry as to whether or not I was coming in to the bank today. I indicated that I could if it was necessary. I thought this would calm her enough to allow me to snuggle back down next to my hubbalump and return to a very nice dream I was having (thanks Ambien!) However, the next part of the conversation caused me to bolt upright in bed, waking both hubs and dogs and try madly to comprehend what she was saying. Apparently, I was about to run away with a strange fellow with all of mom's money in a suitcase, never to be heard from again. I wanted to ask which strange fellow because most of the guys I know fall partially into that category - (sorry but you guys know it is the truth.)
I spent the next several minutes assuring mother that I was safely tucked in with Roger and had no immediate plans for flight. At this point she said "Fine. I'll let you go." and hung up. My next move was to call the nurses station and ask them to please check on her and see if she was in a highly agitated state. Several moments passed and they returned with the assurance that she was sitting up in bed watching television and indicated to them she was fine.
Hmmmmmmmmm - mom must have an even better dream life than I do. I really hope it was Gilles Marini she saw me exiting with.
Peace my friends, keep your pancakes off your eyes and your purse out of the gravy!

A Funny Thing Happened on the Road to CrazyTown

If you know me at all you are aware that I am always referring to CrazyTown. CrazyTown is where I have lived for many years. Actually I am the Mayor of this little burg. Also the Fire Chief, Dog Catcher and Sanitation Supervisor.
Recently CrazyTown welcomed a new resident who has richly added to the fabric of community life. In trying to help my mom get her legs back under her after a serious illness we have regressed to the other side of the tracks. However her contributions to the townhall meetings continue in spite of her weakened state.
Yesterday after pushing a turkey and dressing dinner around on her plate for 45 minutes without enjoying a bite, she declared herself "done with it." I told her I would move the tray table out of her way at which point she instructed me to place those other items on it as well. When I inquired as to what other items she referred to, she indicated my lovely red suede bag (a gift from darling daughter). "Mom, I really don't want to put my purse on your dinner tray." Mom - "I can't get through to you on any level can I? - Put your purse on the tray table." I reluctantly placed my pretty bag on the table trying to avoid the dressing and gravy only to be told that I was being ridiculous in doing so.
Since there are good days and bad days in CrazyTown I hoped for a good day today. However, my arrival at mom's room this morning found her absent from CrazyTown and visiting a planet in a whole different galaxy. Space travel takes a while to return from and just like Star Trek - she arrived back sort of pixelated.
I think we will be having elections soon for a new Mayor - I'm planning on taking up residence in Insanity City.

Dis-Engagement Announcement

There will be no funny in this post but I am needing to just release some very negative energy and this seems to be a fairly non-threatening way to do so.
My desire to help my mother has run into a brick wall. A seemingly unstoppable force (me) has met the ultimate immovable object (mom). I would blame this event on dementia were it not for the fact that my mom remembers these things and feeds on them and uses them as building blocks to reinforce her wall.
She has started to not only control her own course but mine as well. Unfortunately, this is not something that I have the luxury of allowing. My life is still in full flight and I can't take a hiatus from it. At this extremely crazy time in life, people and things MUST assimilate into life as Roger and I know it. I cannot change and be all things to all people at all times.
My mother is on a collision course with becoming a total invalid because she thinks she is gaining control by refusing to eat or take any nourishment. All doctors, nurses and just general observers have noticed how she is letting me do everything for her and then punishing me in return.
She has never pushed a nurses' call button, she won't speak up and say what she wants, how she feels, but expects me to do these things and then accuses me of dreadful things.
She has now decided that I hit her and have all my life. I have never laid a hand on my mother. That being said...what she richly needs at this moment is a good sound spanking.
I know that many of the things that are happening can be attributed to the dementia, however, no one knows my mother quite like I do and believe me some of this stuff is not anything but just good old fashioned cussedness.
Therefore, in the esteemed opinion of all medical personnel and my own knowledge of mom and her little quirks, I need to get off at the rest stop and rethink my chosen route.
If she is bent on becoming an invalid, then she is going to have to learn how to depend on people who have been trained to care for the sick. That will free up my time and mind to simply love her. So, as of today, I have become dis-engaged in all things but my affection for her and my genuine desire to see to it that she is well cared for. But I am going to step back into the life that I have ignored for 2 months. I want to be my daughter's mother, my son's mother, my grandchildren's Mee-maw and most importantly, my husband's wife. I almost forgot that while I owe my mother a great deal, I owe those other people the best that I can give them too.
I realize that not everyone who reads this will agree with my decision. However, I hope that you will understand that no one knows another's journey until their feet have walked in their shoes. Agree with me or disagree but please continue to pray for all of us as we walk this path together.

Good Days or No Days

When my son was a little fellow, he was plagued by nightmares of such hellish proportions that he would run shrieking through the house. Sometimes he spoke a language all his own which would freak me completely out. Eyes wide open and staring, talking gibberish and running in a modified stationary panic he was all at once, terrifying and pitiful. He learned when he was small to pray at night "Dear God give me good dreams or no dreams."
Lately I've found myself praying a similar prayer. "Give me good days or no days." And I really don't mean that I would rather not have a day unless it is good, that little slogan just popped into my head - like an almost forgotten memory.
When mom is having a good day, all things seem possible. When the day "sucks like a Hoover" I begin to doubt myself and question everything I am trying to do. I do feel she is improving substantially in some ways. I know that her care is better administered by someone who cares about her than in a clinical setting. Sometimes she is a difficult person to deal with and if you don't have an affection for her, your impulse would be to just leave her be. Her diet and eating habits have improved immensely. Her attitude is almost unfailingly good, however, she does have at least one little "pity party" every day and honestly I think this is understandable. Her inability to jump up and take off doing things disheartens her to a point that breaks my heart. If she tries to do anything quickly she has what are the equivalent of mini-seizures. Her legs begin to jerk and she heads for the floor. What is really odd to me is that once this has happened she is almost euphoric. It doesn't upset her. Instead she laughs and cracks wise in stark contrast to the tearful beginnings to our days when she is sure she is never going to get any better. She can usually be "jollied" out of those feelings and I do reassure her that really none of us feel great first rattle out of the box. I know that the weather which is keeping up confined to indoors plays a large role in both her mood and mine. I don't get out much any more and while I love to be able to stay home - enforced confinement doesn't suit my temperament well.
So, I guess I will change my little prayer and just ask God to "Give me more good days than bad days." I'll see if that works.

Whoooo Let The Dogs Out?

Today we had a doctor's appointment for mom. We had to be there at 8:00 am and that was challenging at best. Getting her ready and then myself is the equivalent of a young mother trying to get triplets dressed and ready for school AND be on time for work herself.
Mom was excited about her appointment. So excited in fact that she went to bed super early and then was up about 4 times during the night sure that we had slept through the alarm.
At 2:00 I awoke from a fitful slumber on my twin sized AeroBed to find her standing over me in a white housecoat. It is a good thing my heart is still holding out otherwise I might be blogging from the great beyond. I carefully got her back in bed and resumed my comfy spot 5 inches from the floor.
At 5:30 Roger woke me and said you need to go check on your mom. As I tried to sweep the cobwebs from my brain I observed our old dog Max wandering around in the living room. I went to see to mom and she wanted to know if it was time to get up. I told her that the alarm was set for 6:00 but since we were all up we might as well get busy.
I asked her "Mom did you let Max out of Roger's office." "No." she replied. "I simply opened the door to check the weather and he came IN."
I resettled her and Roger then told me "This is what I saw." "I woke up and saw your mom scuttling across the hall going OOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOO." "Then Max was in my face kissing me."
I wonder who was the most startled. Mom for finding Max ready and waiting to bolt out of the door. Or, Max, standing there expecting one of HIS humans to release him and bring on the breakfast bowl.
Interestly enough, Betty was as quiet as a church in her crate. I'm sure she was thinking "Crap, I don't know this person and I don't trust anyone but the 2 people who live here. I'll be vewwy vewwy qwiet and she won't see me."
It is either a true testimony of mom's resilient nature or the effect of some good drugs that enables her to cohabit with animals.

Show Me The Funny

In the movie Jerry McGuire there was a famous line "Show Me The Money!" Lately, I have found that more important than financial satisfaction is the ability to find humor in one's daily life.
I find it amusing that my husband was rendered incapable of even the simplest tasks while I was in Texas. Apparently even the job of opening the mail exhausted him to the point of near hospitalization since he stopped doing it about 4 days into my hiatus and simply chose to pile it in an empty roaster pan in the garage.
I also find it funny that now that I am home with mom in tow - said husband is still too mentally and physically exhausted to "see" trash that needs to be carried. Dishes that need to be done. Laundry that needs to be folded. And cannot remember that at 5:30 in the morning - I am not yet ready to begin my day therefore, it would probably not be a good idea to drop the garage door requiring him to knock on the front door starting a chorus of barking that would wake the dead. AND I find it downright hysterical that I still have the ability to love him with every fiber of my being in spite of my extreme frustration with him.
I am humored at the inability of some people in extended families to see "the big picture." Instead of wondering what they could do to make things easier, they simply continue to think only of themselves and what makes their own lives work better. Piling your additional problems on a big steaming pile of difficulties will only serve to make YOUR problems stink right along with the rest of the challenges someone is facing.
I find it amusing that other than my 2 biological children and 2 biological grandchildren, none of the other members of my "family" could find the time to even place a call on their ever present cell phones to check on me. Likewise, with the exception of a few have not even been able to come by and see me since I've been home. I realize that the trip of mere blocks is the equivalent of taking a Conestoga Wagon across the vast untamed west, therefore they are forgiven.
I find it funny and poignant that my friends who did so much for me while I was away felt they did nothing. Do they not know that they kept me sane and kept me propped up when I was at my lowest point? But I also find it funny that this trait my friends exhibit so palpably is the purest evidence of their character. Instead of shouting from the rooftops about their contributions, they wish they would have done more.
I am amused at myself for never before viewing my most excellent daughter as a woman until this past month. But to find her capable and willing to step up into a role not of her choosing, was humbling AND inspirational.
I found it funny that my mom (who is not an animal lover) told me the other day that she was going in the living room where Jessie was. Jessie is my sweet little brown dog. Mom also told me that she loved Jessie. I think mom is learning the value of an animal in your life at the wonderful age of 82, isn't that funny?
I laugh daily at my mom. I never before realized what a good sense of humor she has. It is true there are some things she says which are a condition of her illness, but she still possesses the ability to laugh with me at the things that happen. For that I am most grateful.
Most of all, I find it funny that I still have this God given gift to find the humor in my life. I guess some people will find me "simple" in my ability to absolutely laugh my butt off at things that happen. But, really, what is my alternative. I could cry and wring my hands. I could go around looking as exhausted as a feel. I could make the whole world feel my pain. I could make everyone else miserable with my problems. And would this help? Would this help me? Honestly I don't think so. Please realize that there may be days when I will wring my hands, cry, stamp my foot, gripe at everyone and in general be a huge pain. Let me apologize now for this behavior. And let me promise that I will try with everything I have to only allow this briefly. For the most part, I hope to be upbeat, positive and seeking for the diamond in the cow patty. And please, as you love me, never forget to "Show Me The Funny!"