Stick a Danged Stamp on it!

 

Timing……it is all about timing.  Comedians have to have it or they are simply NOT funny.  It’s always good to know the proper moment to speak – or shut up.  Being in the right place at the right time is a good thing. Being in the wrong place at either the right or wrong time is almost always bad.

There is one woman in my life who could drive me to drink…….more.  If I had a last nerve she would be able to find it and bang on it till it bled.  Her personality and  mine are the equivalent of gasoline and matches and as long as I want to continue selling something I sell I have to deal with her.

Recently, she kind of gave me a good hosing on something and I called her on it.  Of course, delightfully, she was blissfully unaware that it might upset someone to pay $5.00 shipping for something that cost $5.00.  Anyway, today I went to the post office to buy a stamp to mail her check.  I had just received my change back for buying a .44 stamp with a dollar bill when she came sashaying through the post office door.

She didn’t see me…….she never sees me unless it is to her advantage to do so and I was left to ponder the incredible amount of karma I had just experienced.  I was already upset over the bill I had to pay and had I have been 5 seconds slower I could have just handed her the danged check.  But then I realized……the check was indeed in the mail and it wasn’t just a meaningless cliche and more importantly, I didn’t have to engage her in conversation so maybe it was my lucky day after all.

Are You My Sister?….and brother?

 

These are my wonderful friends Sam and Judy.  Everyone should have friends like them.  Where in the helicopter would I be if I did not have these two people in my life?  Now, I’m going to cry.

Judy and I met not long after I moved to Arkansas – we had both been “tricked” into being PTA officers.  Then I allowed Judy to trick me into Cub Scouts, Sorority, Tons of Fun Day at 4 H, Christmas Parades and the list goes on and on.  Over the course of more years than either of us wants to count we have shared more laughter, problems, adventures, and tears than anyone else I’ve been acquainted with.  I think that for each other we are the closest thing to sisters either of us have ever had.  Judy was an only child and I have a sister but we did not grow up together and therefore don’t share that familial bond.

Sam was at one time – in the immortal words of Chloris Leachman in Young Frankenstein - “yes, he vas my boyfriend!”  Little did I know that God had chosen Sam to be my forever friend that I was to save for my best girl Judy.

I introduced Sam and Judy on a blind date at Chilis and as they say – the rest is history.  They got married, combined their families and scooped me up and carried me with them into the role of a “sister” to both of them.

Without them, I would be a pretty lost little sheep sometimes.  They will never know how much I love and treasure them.  I wish I could tell them, but I always cry and that makes them both uncomfortable.

So, since I can’t tell them, I will tell you.  Outside of my husband,children and grandchildren, these are the two most important people in my world.  I know why and so do they.  They would never tell you and I can’t because the genuine Christ like behavior they show – not just to me – but everyone who knows them – humbles me and makes me want to be a better person.  If there truly are mansions in Heaven – theirs is going to have a pool, tennis courts, and rose gardens.  And I’m gonna be their housekeeper.

Sam and Judy,  please meet everyone.  Everyone, please meet Sam and Judy………………..aren’t they cute?  I took that picture and it makes me happy to look at it.  I love you guys more than I can ever say.  And…….frenzy, frenzy, frenzy (only Judy knows what this means – and she’s laughing right now.)

Sub-terranean Surprises

 

Subbing for school systems - both rewarding and frustrating. Rewarding in getting a paycheck and feeling like you are helping someone else have some time to do something important to them. Rewarding in seeing cute little shining faces ready to greet a brand new day – (obviously, I’ve been subbing in elementary schools.) Something tells me the junior high and high school kids don’t go tearing into school with the same excitement.

But, there are a certain number of frustrations as well. Like today for instance when I showed up at a school I had been asked to repeat sub at – only to find there were 2 of us booked for the same position. A secretary (who was the one who asked me to come back) was looking at me and demanding to know who asked me to be there. It took everything I had to not ask her “how would I have known to come back if you hadn’t asked me?”

Strangely enough, as bored as I am at times I’m not in the habit of stalking school personnel to see who does and doesn’t show up.

So……I was sent to another school for ½ a day. Gas…..almost four bucks a gallon. Trips to two schools for two and a half hours of work……..priceless.

What the helicopter are they thinking?

 

As if kids don’t have enough crap to be terrified of, television advertisers are now advocating scaring them silly.

The commercial where the two parents tell their children a horrific story to keep them from getting into the adult’s candy really gets my goat.

Perhaps, we could just tell them no……instead of scaring them into leaving alone something that is probably better suited for them anyway.

Maybe it is because I, myself, was terrified of the dark until I was well into my 40s makes me feel that purposely scaring your kids is criminal.  I never told my kids there was a boogeyman in a dark room (even though I secretly feared there was.) 

One never knows  when it will be necessary to send your child into a darkened room to get something that is vitally needed.  How horrible it would be if they were simply too afraid to go in because of something you said.

Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

 

First of all sleeping dogs don’t lie – their lives are open books when  in the arms of the canine sandman. Their wildest dreams are played out in sleep. They chase rabbits, bark, and run. Essentially, some of them continue their full & busy days and others live the day they wish they’d had.

When Genevieve and I volunteered at pet adoption day for Petco the image that greeted my arrival was one of about a dozen pups - all crashed. My first thought was “wow, what a huge litter!” It turned out they weren’t all related, just all the same size and type and thrilled to have so many slumber buddies.

The biggest truth teller of all dogs is my girl Daisy. Once she is warm, comfy and sound asleep, woe to you if you disrupt her. As soon as you touch her, she emits a low, deep warning growl. If you persist, she will wrinkle up her lip and show her pearly whites while continuing to tell you “leave me alone!”

Daisy never bites and she is always quickly resettled in a more appropriate spot. But she always gives you that early warning signal that you about to piss her off. What a shame we humans don’t always have our “danger” signs in place before someone ruffles our feathers & disturbs our peace.

Feelin’ Groovy? Not so much.

 

Simon and Garfunkel (those righteous dudes) must have been sniffing the cowslips….or the Cowsills when they wrote this one. Seriously, I only understand the “slow down – you’re movin’ too fast” part of this. It doesn’t help that every time I try to type Feelin’ I type it Fellin’- hmmmm Fellin’ Groovy- perhaps….perhaps…..

Recently, I’ve seen more instances than I care to count of people trying to cram a square peg in a round hole and bemoaning the fact it doesn’t fit. It seems no one wants to give things time to settle into a natural rhythm. We all need to remember what it was like to bring home a new baby from the hospital. They were already used to the routine and suddenly they were being asked to transform into OUR time frame and schedule.

If a mere few days can make it difficult to regroup for a newborn, how much harder must it be for grownups? If you throw into the mix a constant upheaval of new sights, sounds and experiences it can be a little hard to conform. This tends to throw us into a fight or flight situation and sometimes we just have to choose flight.

Oh, and just so you know…..I am seriously having to have big time speaks with myself over the fact that MY way isn’t necessarily the RIGHT way. I’m still not convinced, but I am working on it. Feelin’ Groovy yet?

How I Found the Special

I have been subbing in our local school system and what an eye opener that is. One never knows what the early morning phone call will bring to your life each day. Some days you are needed to sit and answer a constantly ringing phone, or maybe you are asked to help an overworked records clerk move nine filing cabinets full of files. Then on some days you are sent to help with P.E. (those of you who know me are rolling in the floor over this one.) But, perhaps my favorite deployment of all was last Friday when I subbed in the self contained special education classroom.
I have to confess I dreaded this one but I felt like I couldn't turn anything down so I put on my big girl panties and went for it.
The first thing I was asked upon entering the classroom was "do you mind being touched?" Well, having as many grandchildren as I do has certainly prepared me for being touched so I responded with assurance that I was okay with touching. What I didn't realize is that the touching might not be so much physical as spiritual.
There were 10 children in this classroom, mostly non-verbal. While most did not have the ability to communicate in traditional ways I found they were uniquely able to express their feelings, fears and needs. Each little person had their own little world to function in and try to mesh with the diverse atmosphere surrounding them. Throw into the mix the need to try to introduce some level of instructional work and encourage them to squelch their natural inclination to give in to the specific components of whatever problem they are dealing with. These are called "tics" - and these teachers have taken these children from not being able to sit for 10 minutes without "ticking" to being able to focus on a movie in a relatively calm frame of mind for almost an hour.
Some of these children were autistic and very high functioning, a few had Downs Syndrome (something I was actually familiar with since I had a cousin as a child who had Downs),some were wheelchair bound and all were facing challenges I could never imagine until now.
What struck me is how genuinely these children want to be included, touched, encouraged and loved. It also struck me how lucky I am to have such vividly healthy children and grandchildren. And, how ashamed I should be for not realizing each and everyday how very abundantly I am blessed. Perhaps not in worldly and tangible ways but in the ever present assurance of how much God loves me.
One very large lesson I learned is to not fear the unknown or the unexpected, sometimes the biggest blessings are in those unexpected opportunities - we just have to say yes and jump in with both feet. And while we are sinking in a foreign land, grab hold of whatever lifeline is tossed and begin to search for the special-ness all around you.

Feed The Cold – Arrest the Patient

 

I have a real problem with the whole “let’s punish the whole world for the actions of a few” mindset. To my way of thinking this is the direct result of everyone’s paranoia of offending anyone. Singling out particular offenders would appear to be something we all fear. Heaven forbid that people be held accountable for their individual actions – it is so much easier to punish society in general.

You have a few girls who flaunt the length of shorts in schools and suddenly no one can wear them at all. Of course, no one thinks about addressing the fact that few girls today actually know how to sit in a dress without exposing their “Tuesdays.” I have been to more than a few band concerts where I felt I should blindfold Roger to keep him from agonizing guilt for viewing the entire flute section’s underpants.

Or, you have one schmuck who walks into a bank and robs it while wearing a ball cap and shades and suddenly one has to remember to remove all headgear before making a deposit. So, from this I guess we can determine hats and shades are not allowed, shoes are optional and guns mandatory.

I am the small town product of a time where my high school parking lot was full of pickup trucks. Inside almost every one of those pickup trucks was a gun rack and in each gun rack was very likely …..a GUN! On any given day there were probably dozens of firearms within walking distance of the door and yet no one ever dreamed of shooting up the school. In fact the worst casualty I remember was when Keith Park shot me in the calf of the leg with a B B gun. That hurt like a son of a gun!

Please don’t misunderstand me……I am not advocating the toting of side arms in the hallways of our schools. I really am more civilized than I sound - I’m just saying that society seems to evolve (or devolve) from the actions of a few nutcases.

For a while now I have been more than marginally hacked off at the meth cookers for more reasons than I can possible relate. However, I pretty much reached a “postal” frame of mind when my husband who suffers from chronic respiratory problems (admittedly exacerbated by his unwillingness to stop smoking) was denied his purchase of Claritin D. Really? Anyone should be able to look at both of us and tell we aren’t on meth – both of us are waaaay too round and we do still have our teeth.

Now, today I heard they are considering requiring a doctor’s prescription for purchasing over the counter cold medicine. Ooooookaaaaay, at long last the old adage that one won’t die from the common cold may finally be proven wrong. Seriously people, there are still loads of us with no health insurance, unemployed and still too young to qualify for Medicare and all its’ many benefits. Couple this with the fact that even getting in to see a physician requires a gun and a mask. So by the time you can see the doctor, you are already feeling better or dead so what would be the point?

With all the truly important things that lawmakers COULD be concentrating on they always seem to find the ability to misdirect their focus. What will happen when they start requiring an RX for cold remedys? Will this stop the meth kitchens? No. What WILL happen is only the meth makers will have the ingredients for their poison.

Because one thing has been proven over and over again, outlaw something and eventually only the outlaws will have it. And the rest of us will be forced into the streets under cover of darkness, trying to “score” some Robitussin from some poor rail thin, toothless man who smells vaguely of cat pee. And we will be paying him $50.00 to soothe our sore throats and put an end to our hacking cough. Of course the close proximity to a meth manufacturer might have some residual side effects that should be considered.

And now, I have to wonder – if this occurs to me, uneducated, unemployed and underachieving - why in the helicopter does it not cross the minds of those that are smugly sitting in the seats of authority? There is something so very wrong with this scenario.

I WOULD advise going out and stockpiling your cough syrup, but unfortunately they are keeping close records of who buys that stuff and how often so you won’t be able to prepare for the impending cold medication rationing. Oh well, it won’t matter much because none of us are going to be able to afford the gas to drive to Walgreens anyway.

….and how was your day? I would really like to know. lkbeshears@sbcglobal.net

How Do You Spell Impending Doom

P-o-l-y-g-a-m-y.
I have just finished watching a whole day's worth of Sister Wives. I like to watch things like this in hopes of finding a new level of understanding about things I'm not sure about.
I have to say that I was left at the end of the day with a certain amount of "liking" for all the people involved. They are all personable, likable, articulate and intelligent people with a whole slew of happy, healthy kids that absolutely seem to be thriving in their environment. The women interact with each other in much the same way a group of real grown sisters would if they found themselves living under the same roof. There were little fusses, some tears, some genuine angst, anger and hurt - all overshadowed by an undercurrent of genuine affection for each other. One started to get the feeling if the fellow in the mix screwed up they might just band together and beat the stuffings out of him and bury him in the back yard.
They were all without exception pretty danged candid about how they felt about splitting time with their "husband"- interacting with each other and most importantly the introduction of a 4th wife into their already pretty complicated existence.
It didn't help matters that the 4th wife is a little "hottie" 1/2 the size of the others and cute as a button. Top that off with the fact she got a big wedding, big reception and an 11 day honeymoon - it is a wonder she is still alive. Of course, she did come with her own unique baggage - 3 children from a previous marriage. All the other children in the "family" are children born into the situation.
The end result was a "coming out" on national TV exposing their lifestyle and admitting to the world that they are polygamists. I found myself very torn about this, more so than I would have been 10 years ago. Now we are expected to embrace "unconventional" lifestyles and arrangements. Families with 2 moms, 2 dads, single parents, foster parents, adoptive parents and any other groupings imaginable. I started to wonder if this was all bad. Everyone seemed to be pretty darned normal to me. They cried when they were hurt or sad, laughed when they were happy, weren't overly nauseatingly affectionate and seemed to the person very committed to the whole sense of family. The children always had a "mom" to go to for their needs even if it wasn't the one they sprang from and the women embraced those children with equal amounts of care,concern and love. I found myself thinking this is a pretty sweet deal for these women if they can deal with the ever decreasing face time they have with their husband. I also started to wonder what man in his right mind wants to take on the care and emotional nurturing of more than 1 female. Come on girls you know we are full time jobs all by ourselves.
The introduction of the #4 wife could prove to be the wedge that begins to drive them all apart. Right now she is living in a separate house while the others all live together, which means when the hubs is with her he is totally absent from the home and presence of all other wives and children. It will be interesting to see where they go from here.
Now I am left wondering how long before the reverse gender polygamy rears its' head. After all after Sister Wives can Brother Husbands be far behind? Speaking very personally now I will tell you that I would NEVER be interested in having more than 1 husband. I will leave you to your own speculations as to why.

Some Day My Miracle Will Come

I just know it. I've been promised and people NEVER lie to me......well, almost never. But I'm sure that no one would be cruel enough to lie to me about something so important.
More than ever in my life, I need DIVINE intercession and I've certainly been asking for it, have been open to it, keep the lines of communication open and am actively pursuing every whisper that falls on my listening ear.
At the same time, I am the most impatient human ever. I want things NOW. Maybe my lesson is a lesson of waiting. I guess only time will tell. But just in case my request has gotten lost under a pile of papers on the cloud desk, I sure could use some help.
Love.....ME