Morning Has Broken

A new sun came up today and dawned on my 60th birthday. As I reflect on the fact that I used to regard people my age as "old fogies" I wonder how I appear to others. I know that time and life have had their way with my face - sometimes I think I've forgotten to take off my Halloween mask when I look in the mirror. There was a time I thought mirrors on the ceiling might be kind of "fun" now I'm thinking those might be the cause of a stroke. Either mine or Roger's. I truly wonder how he can bear to look at me - God is kind in that regard because he causes your eyesight to fail in conjunction with diminishing appearance.
My hearing is shot - I need to track the number of times a day I say "Huh?" "Excuse me" or just ignore someone completely. Upon finding out that I have forgotten my hearing aids, one of my friends will stand talking to me just moving his mouth. He is a sick and twisted individual. And, unnecessarily cruel to boot.
My body is just something I am unwilling to discuss in polite company. I've asked Roger repeatedly..."Where did that pretty girl you married go?" He is well trained and answers "Honey, she's still here." Well then, obviously I ATE HER 'cause I'm not seeing the chick anywhere. There is enough "hail damage" on my carcass that were I a car I would be considered "totaled" and my owner would be looking for a replacement. There is enough snap, crackle and pop in me that I could make the Rice Krispie guys hang their heads in shame. My skin is so wrinkled I find it useless to even iron my clothes now. Why should they look more pulled together than the person inside. Anyone needing me to sew better be prepared to thread their own danged needle 'cause that ship has sailed as well.
All that being said.....I am finding a certain peace and contentment in not being so focused on the exterior. Beauty fades for everyone and some fight it tooth and nail. I just gave in to ebbing tide and decided I wanted to be remembered for something else. I want my legacy to be one of joy, I want to be remembered because I laughed, hard and loud. I want my life to be something that causes others to laugh as well. When I post a blog for others to read, I am giving you the essence of myself. I'm sharing me. My thoughts, fears, frustrations, and happiness. To share your thoughts is to share your heart. I do so because I trust. I have friends who fall on the complete opposite sides of the pole in religion, politics, and every other "hotbed" of controversy in our world. Their opinions are their own whether I agree, disagree or don't care one way or the other. You will seldom find me taking issue with anyone over their opinion. The reason for this is that I genuinely love my friends and there is no issue, no politician or any other situation that is worth losing even one of them over. And I would venture to say, most of my friends know exactly where I stand on things whether I am "out there" with my opinion or not. I appreciate being allowed to be just me, not having to reshape myself according to other people. For the first time in all these 60 years, I am finding a person I really like and I'm learning to trust myself too.
Gone are the fits of rage and frustration. I'm still frequently frustrated but not unreasonably so and I am seldom ever truly angry. Having made so many mistakes throughout my life, I find it easier to be tolerant of others. I have had much to confess and repent, therefore I try to not be so hard on people I know are fighting those same demons. I am working on the "don't worry - be happy" thing. This will be my toughest challenge. Worrying is in my genes. I learned it at the feet of the master worrier. However, I have learned that worrying never fixes anything. In fact, it usually creates even more causes to worry. What is truly amusing to me is that I am finding the ability to actually like myself. Or maybe I am just beginning to believe some of the people who continue to affirm me. I've lived a very interesting life, I've met people most people only read about, I've traveled to one exotic location in reality but many in my dreams. I am reasonably intelligent although basically not well educated. One of the things that makes me interesting to myself is that I am a paradox. Seemingly confident on the outside and seething with insecurities and low self esteem inside. I have a larger than life personality, yet I basically crave being alone. I am 60 years old and I can be the silliest person on earth. I am aging yet find that my heart and my mind still feel young, hopeful and full of wonder. I know God and yet at times doubt that He could love someone as flawed as I am. But then, I remember that it is wandering sheep He seeks most earnestly. I have become the matriarch of my family without ever feeling like I was a child there.
So, now that I am "old" how do I want to be remembered? First and foremost, I want to be remembered as a loving and well loved child of God. That I tried to be a good and faithful daughter. I want my children to forgive my failures and faults and be able to say they had a good mother who loved them with her whole heart. There is no shame in failure only in quitting. And I never quit on either of you. I want my grandchildren to remember that I wrote them stories and poems and drew pictures for them. I want them to remember that I made up silly songs about potty training. I want them to remember that I took the time to come to lunch at school, plays, concerts, ballgames and cheered as loud as I could. I want my husband to remember that through all the peaks and valleys, all the good times and bad, there has never been a moment when I would have done differently. I would still choose him and walk those roads again just to have him in my life. And I want my friends to remember me laughing, telling stories, dancing until I embarrassed myself and everyone around me, listening to their problems, trying to help when I could and loving them every single day of my life. And if 60 is all God allows me to be - remember ME with JOY and HAPPINESS. Stand in front of the crowd and say with one voice "Oh, Lavetta, well she laughed."