Fair

...and I don't mean the kind with rides and farm animals. I mean being fair. Yes, yes I know no one ever said that life is fair. Believe me I have seen my "fair" share of the inequities in life.

Not too long ago I bought a book called "Stand Out". After reading the book, there was a "test" you could take to show you what your strengths were primarily in a business setting. I wasn't too shocked to find that I was very heavily invested in "fairness", "fair play" and in asserting myself into situations where I felt things just weren't fair. I guess it helps some to know this is part of my nature, now I need to figure out how I change that about myself I'm thinking.

I've always thought if I do the right thing, others will also do the right thing. But, maybe that right thing is only my perception - who can say? Who can know?

My inherent nature is to please, to give, to do and to make people happy and feel valued and validated. To give more than is asked, often before it is asked and I am constantly amazed when my efforts are under-appreciated. And that is a failing inside me. Just because I value them does not mean they have to value me. I go rocking along through life and when something heads south I am completely undone by the event and associated fall out. And then, because I am human and subject to all those little human failings and petty thoughts I start to load up the scale. And in my mind...they also tip in my favor. But do they really?

After all, no one asked me to do everything I've done. No one expected me to provide a little surprise now and then in life. No one would have faulted me (probably) if I'd just stood on the sidelines and watched the game play out. And yet.....there I was....on the field with a big target on my back under my player name "Pleaser" taking it on the chin. Again and again. And, in my mind...when I looked around....all the things I thought I was playing for had wound up being my competition instead of my defensive line.

I would like to think at this point in life, I can learn. However, I've come to know that the only thing I am truly guilty of is caring and often caring too much. And I'm not so sure I want to learn differently. Do I really want to be like other people who just don't care what happens? That any means justifies the end result which will probably be good for them but accomplished at the expense of others?

I grew up in a community where your word was your bond. A friendship was a cherished and protected relationship. Deals were made with a handshake. Slights were quickly forgiven, enemies could become friends with a good sit down face to face talk, and when there was trouble - you looked around and found people you never expected to see standing, not just behind you but shoulder to shoulder with you propping you up and pushing you forward. And usually you found that one person you knew would be there, ahead of you - plowing the row to make your journey easier and to put themselves between you and the harm that might come next. And everyone involved was earnestly entreating God to guide their steps, protect their path and bring them through to the conclusion He thought best. And, praying for those on the other side just as fervently as they prayed for themselves.

And people, even people close to me, don't understand why I am so often homesick. It is because when my chips have been cashed, it is those people who swiftly join the handful of people present in my life now that I know I can count on. My home is built around the people I know I can count on and the ones I know have my best interests at heart. And my little home is crowded, lucky me.

So...one thing I WILL do is be extra careful who I invite into my "home" as a guest because we will all care about them and when they hurt one of us, they will hurt us all. And, I refuse to have my cherished people harmed by someone whose only idea of "fair" is what is good for them with no regard for the collective pain caused by their actions. But....I know I will also always CARE. And only you will be able to tell me if that is a strength or a failing within me.