Well Fluffenfeathers!

Have you ever noticed how some people just can’t leave well enough alone.  Why they always seem to take things just one step too far and wind up entering the “what were they thinking” zone.

Today, I read a local newspaper piece about a rather well known attorney who has discovered a doll that has a little bit of a potty problem.  Now, I confess that when I was a youngster I wore out 3 Tiny Tears dolls.  There was just a real fascination with putting that baby bottle in her mouth and watching her cry and wet her diaper that could not be equaled on earth.  Of course the constant introduction of water into Tiny’s body meant that soon her rubber figure began to deteriorate.  That made me sad, especially when they quit making the ones with painted on hair and began sewing that tacky stuff to their scalps.

Tiny had a potty problem – but at least it was the “right” kind.  These new dolls have a potty problem as well, but the problem they have is a “potty” mouth.  Apparently, they say unrepeatable things, or they seem to say them.  We all know what recordings can sound like when they decide to go awry.

Anyway, said attorney has written letters to the manufacturer as well as all the stores selling baby and demanded they ALL cease and desist.  This was probably relatively effective in insuring that most of our innocents didn’t have to be exposed to Baby Dirty Mouth. 

But, he didn’t stop there.  So concerned is he that our impressionable children will stumble upon these dolls, hear their profane speech and repeat it that he made a video demonstrating the ugly languaged little dearlings.  And what you may ask, did he do with said video?  Well, says I……………he uploaded the whole kit and caboodle to………wait for it……………….UTube.

I think this will be effective don’t you?  Now every child in America with access to the internet could possibly stumble upon Polly Profanity by simply doing a UTube search for babydolls.

So…….I ask you…………what in the helicopter was he thinking?

R.E.S.– P. E.C. T.

So according to one of our creative(?) toilet paper manufacturers and their always reaching for a new level of low advertising people – we are urged to

“RESPECT THE ROLL”

In other words – never, and I repeat NEVER are we to leave our “naked” toilet paper rolls sitting out in plain view.

Seriously, have we forgotten what toilet paper’s primary function is?  Is that respectful?  Perhaps the colorful and cutesy cover for our additional rolls is to prevent them  (the rolls) from seeing what will be their final mission.

What is next?  Perhaps some sort of lock box device where we must unlock our TP in order to use it.  That way it would be safe from the prying eyes of……………..other people who would perhaps use it as well.

I’ve been on tangent about TP makers in the past but this one…….almost…..leaves. me. speechless.

OH……and…..Furthermore….

This one is embarrassing and I am only now able to admit to it.  Was I the only human being in the entire state of Arkansas who had NO – FREAKING – IDEA what

WPS

stood for?

I have decided I don’t get out enough, or maybe I get out too much.  I know one thing – you’d better be danged careful who you ask questions of this nature.    Some people can and will make you feel pretty cow dumb.

In the meantime…

Wooooooooooo         Pigssssssssss    Sooooiiieee!

and my apologies.

AcroNYMPHS

Admittedly, I have some problems understanding some of our abbreviated vernacular.  The whole texting thing has me defeated – one, I can’t stand spelling errors – two, thumbs are for space bars, not regular letters and when cursed with trigger thumb you have a whole different set of challenges – three, my fingers embrace standard keyboards with affection – phone buttons, not so much and four, if you have to text the person sitting across from you in the restaurant, perhaps you shouldn’t be there together in the first place.

I’ve always known that TNT meant something is blowing up.  That ADHD is a real pain in the kiester for kids and their parents.  That IBS is NEVER a good thing and STHU meant I’d better go in the closet and tell my problems to my shoes.  I know that I, myself, possess a certain measure of OCD and AR behavior.  Somehow, saying I am AR is much less embarrassing than admitting to simply being anal retentive. 

But now, I find, there are all kinds of shortened abilities and disabilities out there and half the time I’m afraid to use anything but full words for fear I will say something unforgiveable and let’s face it – from me, most probably offensive.

So…in my never ending search for knowledge and enlightenment…on a whim I Googled  “acronym for SOS”.  Now, I knew it stood for MAYDAY – which is code for “Holy Crap – we are in a boatload of trouble – save us soon”  which begs the question – why isn’t is SUS?  But, I digress (and you KNEW I would – now didn’t you?)  I was amazed to see a whole page of things that SOS can also stand for – some of my stand outs were:

          SINK OR SWIM (submitted by cruel swim instructors no doubt)

or………SHOOT ON SIGHT – (have these feelings regularly)

but my absolute fave was…………….STUCK. ON. STUPID – lovin’ this one!

I spent probably 3 years never understanding what the def between 2 tennis players names on the sports recap stood for.  I thought it was French.  Sorry – now you see why STUCK. ON. STUPID appeals to me.

I have to wonder though if maybe all these abbreviations and acronyms are simply our way of trying to not offend anyone.  Afterall, if I knew that F.A.T really stood for Fabulous and Talented – I would be thrilled.  Certainly being told that I was an OABUW would seem wickedly exotic as opposed to just being an old and butt ugly woman who was F.A.T in the bargain.

So…..in closing I would like to say – OMG I hope some part of this had you ROTFLYBO and that you will say TY at some point for always remembering to BRB to make you smile.

Zip It–Nip It

One of the hardest things in the world for me is holding my tongue.  I literally have had to hold it between 2 fingers before to keep it from wagging me into trouble.

It is said we have only 1 mouth and 2 ears for a reason.  We should listen twice as much as we talk. But what about situations where you know for certain no one is listening at.all.

Are you still duty bound to zip your lips and keep silent?  And what about the times you have patiently and kindly asked with a much love as you can muster for someone to either A: please do something or B: please stop doing something?  When it becomes obvious that they simply are not complying to your request out of just plain old pig headedness – can’t we let ‘er rip then?

One of my friends has recently said she has volume control issues and that she too finds the battle to gain dominance over her tongue is ongoing.  One thing I know for sure is that I am NOT an ultimatum type person.  I will try to the best of my ability to lovingly make you listen but when my attempts continue to fall on deaf ears – eventually…..I. GIVE.  UP.

You won’t like me when I’ve given up because at that point I don’t guild the lily at all.  And once I’ve given up – I don’t go back.  In the meantime – I will seriously give holding my tongue a real college try if you will try opening your ear canals a little more.  Also, it would help if you didn’t get offended by everything I do say.

Oh Yeah? Well, Just How Big An Ole Boy Are You?

                                                                          

Remember him?  Mr. Cooper Brown Beshears?  Light of my life, apple of my eye, sweetest little guy on the planet.

Well…….he has grown and is still a handsome lad of a whopping 12.8 pounds.  Probably 5 pounds of that is hair.  The rest is attitude.

                                                               Because

                  in reality he is this big

 

But in his teeny little brain HE IS THIS BIG!

Making Cooper the “poster child” for This Complex.

And what did we learn from being taking to “school” by our old friend Max?  He really is a big ole boy and he totally kicked your butt.  I’ll give you this…you never back down….remains to be determined if that is bravery or just good old fashioned dumb as a bag of hammers.  Lucky boy Cooper!  It could have been much much worse.

Has Anyone Here Seen My Good Friend Me?

I’m sure we all have moments when we feel invisible.  For some it primarily happens when they have enjoyed a bit too much beverage of the alcoholic persuasion.  Other people make a habit out of being invisible.  Standing on the fringes hoping no one notices them or makes mention of them.  They have the ability to “blend” into the scenery and when all is said and done – no one remembers they were there.

And then there are others who genuinely want to be a part of things and yet seem to be invisible in spite of their own desire.  People who want to feel like they have contributed and that their efforts were at the very least noteworthy.

I find it interesting that so many “humans” are motivated by something far less tangible than the all mighty $ sign.  How many of them want an “atta boy” every now and then.  They want their actions to matter.  In some ways we are a lot like our friend the dog.  They will stand on their hind legs, dance around like crazy, roll over and play dead, shake hands and speak for little more than a pat on the head and an occasional “good dog.”

As I get progressively older I find I need those strokes and pats far more than I used to.  I also find that I seem to be disappearing into the fabric of life with increasing frequency.  Perhaps this is why I write.  Perhaps, it is my own form of “atta boy”  - to leave something behind so tangible that when I am gone – someone might remember and know I was here.

And so I wonder…someday will you remember the sound of my laugh?  Will you remember that in spite of all my failings I genuinely tried to be a good person?  Will you remember that I had far more flaws than perfections, but that I worked on them every day?  Will you remember that while I aged, my mind and attitude remained young?  That the colors of my world were ever vibrant and happy?  That I loved with an intensity that scared me?  That I have many regrets but far more accomplishments that I am really proud of?  Will you remember if I cried?  Will you know for certain whether I cared for you or not?  Will you remember anything about me at all?  And now……do you even notice me today?  Do you notice ANYONE?  Do you really pay attention to the humanity swirling around you or are they all just bits and pieces of cellophane?  Things of some substance but transparent enough that you can look straight through and see what you really want to see.

Please God help me to always see the Cellophane People around me and help me to acknowledge their existence, praise their performance, shoulder their tears and celebrate their happy days.  Help me to keep my hand off my own back and at the ready to pat someone else’s head and tell them I noticed.