SHOCK AND PAW

Since I seem to have no filters (just ask my kids - they will verify it) I have so much material worthy of decades of columns.

I'm not so sure these things only happen to me or if I am the only person mentally deficient enough to share them. On the day I die, a lot of people are going to know me really really well - probably better than they might wish.

My affection (spell this A F F L I C T I O N please) for canines of all shapes, sizes, colors, breeds, temperaments and situations has been fodder for the mill on more than one occasion. My exploits with my "pack" have led to a little publication I call The Dog Chronicles. Every now and then I will publish a segment - few people have read them in their entirety. I'm not sure the masses are ready for them. Plus, I fear being judged "tetched" in the head and made a resident of a lovely rubber room somewhere with a peaceful harbor view.

This column is not so much an admission as it is a public service announcement. Surely, I cannot be the only person who has these random thoughts and the stupidity to follow up on them. But, just in case there is anyone out there who wonders about the effectiveness of items and decides to test them - please consider yourself warned.

The Shredder Sisters have been anything but lovely grateful dogs only wishing to please their master. They have pushed the envelope and challenged me from the beginning. Leaping over privacy fences, destroying treasured lawn furniture, hiding while I frantically searched, giving the garage door a work out - it has constantly been one thing after another.

They have acted like feral slum dogs in the presence of others, dug up every decent flower and bush I own and barked until I lost MY voice from screaming "SHUT UP". Well, there were actually more words that I screamed but I'll not bore you with unnecessary details.

Most of my big events happened while my husband was working in Kansas City. I guess I just had too much time on my hands.

So, my most embarrassing event took place one day when the barking had been particularly annoying. I really don't believe in cruelty in any form but I was guilty of purchasing one of those voice activated electronic dog collars. It actually worked pretty well, however, I had not had it on my dogs in a while but I decided today was the day.

When I took it out of the drawer, it seemed to have lost its' "fire power." So, I made a quick trip to Wally World and purchased a replacement battery. When I took the battery box apart and began to remove the old battery the box "beeped" at me.

This begged the question "was the battery really dead?" But, I went ahead and replaced it and put the whole thing back together. As I stood there with my newly refreshed collar I started to contemplate the humanity of the things. How did I know that it really worked? Did it hurt my dogs? Or did it merely just give them a fun little buzz?

The more I thought about it, the more I slid down the slippery slope into momentary insanity. I finally decided the only way I would ever know would be to "test drive" my electronic dog collar.

Pressing the contact points to my throat, I issued my best imitation of a deep and meaningful "woof."
I immediately experienced a seizing of my vocal cords - as a matter of fact my entire neck constricted and I'm pretty sure I lost feeling in my legs. Tears were streaming down my face, my ears were ringing along with blurred vision and a blinding headache within a few seconds. I am relatively sure I lost control of at least one vital body function as well.

After about 30 minutes I regained enough of my senses to call my husband and tell him what I had done. After patiently listening to me for a moment, he said, "Honey, I'm going to have to call you back in a few minutes" and disconnected the call. He did call back and was very solicitous and concerned about my well being. I was touched.

I remained touched until a co-worker of his called and asked if I was alright. When I inquired into their concern - they immediately started to laugh. Finally the whole ugly story was revealed, apparently the reason my darling husband needed to end our conversation was because he was having great difficulty maintaining his composure. It seems that as soon as he hung up the phone, he laughed hysterically for about 5 minutes before pulling himself together.

Cad. Barbarian. Unfeeling, uncaring and unremorseful bad, bad husband.

So, there you have it. My most embarrassing moment - well for that week at least. And just so you know, those danged things really do work. However, I'm not so sure that I will ever use one on a dog of mine again. But, it did make for some really entertaining holiday entertainment that year as no one was willing to believe me until they tried it themselves. See, I'm not the only stupid person in my family.