So, the PC term for my situation is "blended family." Doesn't that sound easy as can be? Just put in all the ingredients and fold them together gently and like magic it is blended into a masterpiece of perfection.
Would that it were that easy! I've been mixing that cake for 17 years and don't have it mixed right yet.
Just when you think you have achieved something regarding normalcy - something jumps up and takes a chunk out of your posterior.
Into my "blended family" I brought 2 children - one of each kind. My husband (or the hubalump as I am often found guilty of calling him) contributed four - 2 of each kind.
Roger has been wonderful to my kids, I've probably not been as good to his but I HAVE tried. Maybe the difference is grounded in the fact that my kids really wanted and needed a dad. His kids didn't need a mom and they sure didn't want me trying to fill that role. It was my mistake to ever even try to do so. I should have been happy just being his wife, but being the overachiever I am I thought I could be all things to all people.
Between us we have a collected set of grandchildren that will number 13 this year. Into that number I've again contributed two biologically and 2 that I have claimed from my son's girlfriend.
None of our grandkids are even aware of a time when we weren't all family, but damn if the grownups in the bunch aren't determined to bring it to their attention. To me this is a sure sign of an immaturity level I can't comprehend. At some point, each of these kids starts to question the family dynamic. Why is our Nana daddy's mom but our Meemaw who is Pawpaws wife is isn't our daddy's mom? Get out the guidebook, this is a road fraught with dangerous pitfalls and stumbling blocks. One of the things that just sets my teeth on edge is for grownups to try to push onto children their own view (skewed thought it may be) of some other family member. Seriously, are we that bent on having someone on our "side" that we want to influence kids to not trust the people who are supposed to and in fact DO love them?
The battle I've fought for years, which I have resolved to not fight anymore is the refusal of my Earth Children to not invite my Birth Children to their parties, etc. Oh, I am always expected - they can't ignore me I'm married to their dad, but they sure have no problem excluding my kids.
When they discuss their family - they have 3 siblings not 5 and excuse me but this hurts my feelings.
Some of them are better at inclusion than others and I appreciate their efforts immeasurably but when they think of family they just think so far. They may include my daughter but NEVER my son. And may I insert here that there are times I certainly understand that to a degree. But....perhaps he wouldn't operate so far on the fringes of our family if he weren't continually pushed there by his sisters and brothers.
Perhaps some thought should be directed toward the fact that my children only have THIS family to claim. Other than families brought into their lives through their relationships with partners - this is it. They don't have a group on their dad's side that is tangible - there are people there - good people but they are just too removed from my kids for it to be a supportive thing. My children's grandparents are dead, my brothers except one have passed. And my living brother lives too far away for them to see him more than occasionally. I have a sister that even I don't know very well and 1 aunt and 1 uncle and a handful of cousins - all removed by geography. Roger's entire family is here along with all of the inlaws and outlaws that go along with a family.
My children are grownups too and certainly can take their lumps, however, what about their kids? How much hurt do we want to inflict on small children by having them know they were excluded? And don't kid yourselves, we aren't fooling kids one little bit.
I have run all over town and stayed busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs attending plays, concerts, games, events for all of my grandkids. I can't be at everything but I try to be at as much as I can. I've helped pay for babies to be born, helped to pay for weddings, paid for utilities that were in danger of being cut off, loaned vehicles, money and listening ears. I think I deserve some consideration and so do my children because while I was doing for others I certainly wasn't doing for them. They've shared their mother's time, resources and talents shouldn't they be able to expect that they get just a little piece of the "family" pie?
I've drawn a line in the sand more times than I care to think about and I've always swallowed my hurt and gone back...but no more. New Year, new beginnings. From now on if there is a function which Dad and I are expected to attend, I will be checking to see if my children were invited. If they aren't, I am not going either. These kids (and I call them that because some of them are acting worse than little children) have plenty of opportunities to get together just the 4 of them with their mom, therefore there is no excuse for excluding anyone when it is a "blended" event.
I will continue to love ALL my grandchildren and try to do the best for them that I can but I am no longer putting the stamp of approval on adult bad behavior.
I've spoken my piece and counted to three......see that line in the sand.....I ain't stepping over but you're sure welcome to.
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