It Depends

I seriously question the good sense of advertising people these days. I've already gone off on a tangent about toilet paper commercials. I've given the "respect the roll" ad my "slap the crap outta you" award because................really............by definition is toilet paper something we have EVER respected?

Then I got my knickers all in a knot over the lubricating products that are supposed to make everything in our life all fun, fireworks inspiring and multi-colored. I really think there are some things we can figure out on our own. And, I'm sorry...I really don't need roman candles in the bedroom, these days I'm all about the heated mattress cover.

But now, Depends have crossed my tolerance line in the sand. Today, I saw a commercial which depicted a rather nice looking later aged man exiting a store. After dropping a flirtatious wink at an unseen girl (maybe?) - they let us all in on his secret. He's wearing an adult diaper. Suddenly, he isn't so cute or flirtatious or even good looking. The ewwww factor was huge. Now, before you get all up in my business on this one, please know, that I realize these products are necessary. But is it necessary to make them seem so appealing? What do they think we are going to do? Perhaps, because they are such "fun" items, we will all rush out to buy a dozen (after all, according to the next commercial - they come in peach color as well)? Really? If you have to wear one, are you really going to show it off at bridge club or on the golf course? Probably not.

I have now accepted my husband's observation that most of the items advertised on TV have to do with wetness of some form or other. Again, I saw ewwwww!

A Love Letter To My KitchenAid Mixer

This is not my mixer.

It is my mixer’s younger prettier cousin.

My KitchenAid mixer is almost as old as my daughter. Not.that.she.is.old, but you know what I’m saying.

My KitchenAid mixer has mixed up hundreds of cakes, pies, cookies, dog biscuits, bowls of whipped cream, mashed potatoes.  In short it has taken a lickin’ and kept on tickin’. 

This was some of the best $ I ever spent.  The only thing I have ever had to do to it was replace the whisk beater after I mistakenly let it eat a wooden spoon.

My fervent prayer is that my lovely old white KitchenAid with the chipped paint keeps on mixing things up in my kitchen for a long long time.  I’m not sure I could replace it either financially or in my affections.

Well Fluffenfeathers!

Have you ever noticed how some people just can’t leave well enough alone.  Why they always seem to take things just one step too far and wind up entering the “what were they thinking” zone.

Today, I read a local newspaper piece about a rather well known attorney who has discovered a doll that has a little bit of a potty problem.  Now, I confess that when I was a youngster I wore out 3 Tiny Tears dolls.  There was just a real fascination with putting that baby bottle in her mouth and watching her cry and wet her diaper that could not be equaled on earth.  Of course the constant introduction of water into Tiny’s body meant that soon her rubber figure began to deteriorate.  That made me sad, especially when they quit making the ones with painted on hair and began sewing that tacky stuff to their scalps.

Tiny had a potty problem – but at least it was the “right” kind.  These new dolls have a potty problem as well, but the problem they have is a “potty” mouth.  Apparently, they say unrepeatable things, or they seem to say them.  We all know what recordings can sound like when they decide to go awry.

Anyway, said attorney has written letters to the manufacturer as well as all the stores selling baby and demanded they ALL cease and desist.  This was probably relatively effective in insuring that most of our innocents didn’t have to be exposed to Baby Dirty Mouth. 

But, he didn’t stop there.  So concerned is he that our impressionable children will stumble upon these dolls, hear their profane speech and repeat it that he made a video demonstrating the ugly languaged little dearlings.  And what you may ask, did he do with said video?  Well, says I……………he uploaded the whole kit and caboodle to………wait for it……………….UTube.

I think this will be effective don’t you?  Now every child in America with access to the internet could possibly stumble upon Polly Profanity by simply doing a UTube search for babydolls.

So…….I ask you…………what in the helicopter was he thinking?

R.E.S.– P. E.C. T.

So according to one of our creative(?) toilet paper manufacturers and their always reaching for a new level of low advertising people – we are urged to

“RESPECT THE ROLL”

In other words – never, and I repeat NEVER are we to leave our “naked” toilet paper rolls sitting out in plain view.

Seriously, have we forgotten what toilet paper’s primary function is?  Is that respectful?  Perhaps the colorful and cutesy cover for our additional rolls is to prevent them  (the rolls) from seeing what will be their final mission.

What is next?  Perhaps some sort of lock box device where we must unlock our TP in order to use it.  That way it would be safe from the prying eyes of……………..other people who would perhaps use it as well.

I’ve been on tangent about TP makers in the past but this one…….almost…..leaves. me. speechless.

OH……and…..Furthermore….

This one is embarrassing and I am only now able to admit to it.  Was I the only human being in the entire state of Arkansas who had NO – FREAKING – IDEA what

WPS

stood for?

I have decided I don’t get out enough, or maybe I get out too much.  I know one thing – you’d better be danged careful who you ask questions of this nature.    Some people can and will make you feel pretty cow dumb.

In the meantime…

Wooooooooooo         Pigssssssssss    Sooooiiieee!

and my apologies.

AcroNYMPHS

Admittedly, I have some problems understanding some of our abbreviated vernacular.  The whole texting thing has me defeated – one, I can’t stand spelling errors – two, thumbs are for space bars, not regular letters and when cursed with trigger thumb you have a whole different set of challenges – three, my fingers embrace standard keyboards with affection – phone buttons, not so much and four, if you have to text the person sitting across from you in the restaurant, perhaps you shouldn’t be there together in the first place.

I’ve always known that TNT meant something is blowing up.  That ADHD is a real pain in the kiester for kids and their parents.  That IBS is NEVER a good thing and STHU meant I’d better go in the closet and tell my problems to my shoes.  I know that I, myself, possess a certain measure of OCD and AR behavior.  Somehow, saying I am AR is much less embarrassing than admitting to simply being anal retentive. 

But now, I find, there are all kinds of shortened abilities and disabilities out there and half the time I’m afraid to use anything but full words for fear I will say something unforgiveable and let’s face it – from me, most probably offensive.

So…in my never ending search for knowledge and enlightenment…on a whim I Googled  “acronym for SOS”.  Now, I knew it stood for MAYDAY – which is code for “Holy Crap – we are in a boatload of trouble – save us soon”  which begs the question – why isn’t is SUS?  But, I digress (and you KNEW I would – now didn’t you?)  I was amazed to see a whole page of things that SOS can also stand for – some of my stand outs were:

          SINK OR SWIM (submitted by cruel swim instructors no doubt)

or………SHOOT ON SIGHT – (have these feelings regularly)

but my absolute fave was…………….STUCK. ON. STUPID – lovin’ this one!

I spent probably 3 years never understanding what the def between 2 tennis players names on the sports recap stood for.  I thought it was French.  Sorry – now you see why STUCK. ON. STUPID appeals to me.

I have to wonder though if maybe all these abbreviations and acronyms are simply our way of trying to not offend anyone.  Afterall, if I knew that F.A.T really stood for Fabulous and Talented – I would be thrilled.  Certainly being told that I was an OABUW would seem wickedly exotic as opposed to just being an old and butt ugly woman who was F.A.T in the bargain.

So…..in closing I would like to say – OMG I hope some part of this had you ROTFLYBO and that you will say TY at some point for always remembering to BRB to make you smile.