So, the PC term for my situation is "blended family." Doesn't that sound easy as can be? Just put in all the ingredients and fold them together gently and like magic it is blended into a masterpiece of perfection.
Would that it were that easy! I've been mixing that cake for 17 years and don't have it mixed right yet.
Just when you think you have achieved something regarding normalcy - something jumps up and takes a chunk out of your posterior.
Into my "blended family" I brought 2 children - one of each kind. My husband (or the hubalump as I am often found guilty of calling him) contributed four - 2 of each kind.
Roger has been wonderful to my kids, I've probably not been as good to his but I HAVE tried. Maybe the difference is grounded in the fact that my kids really wanted and needed a dad. His kids didn't need a mom and they sure didn't want me trying to fill that role. It was my mistake to ever even try to do so. I should have been happy just being his wife, but being the overachiever I am I thought I could be all things to all people.
Between us we have a collected set of grandchildren that will number 13 this year. Into that number I've again contributed two biologically and 2 that I have claimed from my son's girlfriend.
None of our grandkids are even aware of a time when we weren't all family, but damn if the grownups in the bunch aren't determined to bring it to their attention. To me this is a sure sign of an immaturity level I can't comprehend. At some point, each of these kids starts to question the family dynamic. Why is our Nana daddy's mom but our Meemaw who is Pawpaws wife is isn't our daddy's mom? Get out the guidebook, this is a road fraught with dangerous pitfalls and stumbling blocks. One of the things that just sets my teeth on edge is for grownups to try to push onto children their own view (skewed thought it may be) of some other family member. Seriously, are we that bent on having someone on our "side" that we want to influence kids to not trust the people who are supposed to and in fact DO love them?
The battle I've fought for years, which I have resolved to not fight anymore is the refusal of my Earth Children to not invite my Birth Children to their parties, etc. Oh, I am always expected - they can't ignore me I'm married to their dad, but they sure have no problem excluding my kids.
When they discuss their family - they have 3 siblings not 5 and excuse me but this hurts my feelings.
Some of them are better at inclusion than others and I appreciate their efforts immeasurably but when they think of family they just think so far. They may include my daughter but NEVER my son. And may I insert here that there are times I certainly understand that to a degree. But....perhaps he wouldn't operate so far on the fringes of our family if he weren't continually pushed there by his sisters and brothers.
Perhaps some thought should be directed toward the fact that my children only have THIS family to claim. Other than families brought into their lives through their relationships with partners - this is it. They don't have a group on their dad's side that is tangible - there are people there - good people but they are just too removed from my kids for it to be a supportive thing. My children's grandparents are dead, my brothers except one have passed. And my living brother lives too far away for them to see him more than occasionally. I have a sister that even I don't know very well and 1 aunt and 1 uncle and a handful of cousins - all removed by geography. Roger's entire family is here along with all of the inlaws and outlaws that go along with a family.
My children are grownups too and certainly can take their lumps, however, what about their kids? How much hurt do we want to inflict on small children by having them know they were excluded? And don't kid yourselves, we aren't fooling kids one little bit.
I have run all over town and stayed busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs attending plays, concerts, games, events for all of my grandkids. I can't be at everything but I try to be at as much as I can. I've helped pay for babies to be born, helped to pay for weddings, paid for utilities that were in danger of being cut off, loaned vehicles, money and listening ears. I think I deserve some consideration and so do my children because while I was doing for others I certainly wasn't doing for them. They've shared their mother's time, resources and talents shouldn't they be able to expect that they get just a little piece of the "family" pie?
I've drawn a line in the sand more times than I care to think about and I've always swallowed my hurt and gone back...but no more. New Year, new beginnings. From now on if there is a function which Dad and I are expected to attend, I will be checking to see if my children were invited. If they aren't, I am not going either. These kids (and I call them that because some of them are acting worse than little children) have plenty of opportunities to get together just the 4 of them with their mom, therefore there is no excuse for excluding anyone when it is a "blended" event.
I will continue to love ALL my grandchildren and try to do the best for them that I can but I am no longer putting the stamp of approval on adult bad behavior.
I've spoken my piece and counted to three......see that line in the sand.....I ain't stepping over but you're sure welcome to.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Baking Memories
Today 3 of my granddaughters spent the day with me and we spent it in the kitchen. I gathered a bunch of relatively simple and quick recipes and we made Christmas snacks. Kaitlyn is 15 and therefore loads of help both in the kitchen and with the litte girls. Genevieve is 8 and Audrey is 6 and throwing me into the mix we had a lotta "girl power" at work around the stove today. PawPaw did his part by being our "runner." Many trips to the store, taking the dog to the groomer, Audrey to her Children's Mass practice, he made it possible for me to stay on task. **insert whip cracking here**
It is nice when kids get to the age when they can actually "do" the things to help that they always wanted to do but have been to young to do.
We learned to read a recipe, figure out our measurements, butter a pan and how to add ingredients slowly and stir, stir, stir.
Starting our morning off with fudge we whipped out 2 nice batches and then moved on to cookies. Kaitlyn and I cut the slices of dough (yes, yes, I did Slice 'n Bake - not ashamed) and the LEGs put the slices on cookie sheets and even placed their loaded sheets in the oven. Then they planted in the floor in front of the oven to monitor their progress. We made about 6 dozen cookies 1/2 chocolate chip and the other 1/2 sugar.
We also turned out some easy peasy rice krispie treats and homemade Chex party mix. Then while I was experimenting with homemade dog treats the girls decorated their sugar cookies. I have to say those are some imaginative girls there. Genevieve did one that had little buttons of color all around the perimeter. When I asked her what it was, she replied "it is a fire hydrant." And it did look just like the top of a hydrant - she then proceeded to write DOG on her cookie.
We barely had time to finish our projects and load up their take home trays to share with their families! The day fairly spun by.
I am always struck with how very much I love my kiddoes. I can't buy them much and I am not good at always making time for them. But when I do have them with me I hope that the days are as memorable for them as they are for me. I hope that we have many many more opportunities to "Bake" memories.
It is nice when kids get to the age when they can actually "do" the things to help that they always wanted to do but have been to young to do.
We learned to read a recipe, figure out our measurements, butter a pan and how to add ingredients slowly and stir, stir, stir.
Starting our morning off with fudge we whipped out 2 nice batches and then moved on to cookies. Kaitlyn and I cut the slices of dough (yes, yes, I did Slice 'n Bake - not ashamed) and the LEGs put the slices on cookie sheets and even placed their loaded sheets in the oven. Then they planted in the floor in front of the oven to monitor their progress. We made about 6 dozen cookies 1/2 chocolate chip and the other 1/2 sugar.
We also turned out some easy peasy rice krispie treats and homemade Chex party mix. Then while I was experimenting with homemade dog treats the girls decorated their sugar cookies. I have to say those are some imaginative girls there. Genevieve did one that had little buttons of color all around the perimeter. When I asked her what it was, she replied "it is a fire hydrant." And it did look just like the top of a hydrant - she then proceeded to write DOG on her cookie.
We barely had time to finish our projects and load up their take home trays to share with their families! The day fairly spun by.
I am always struck with how very much I love my kiddoes. I can't buy them much and I am not good at always making time for them. But when I do have them with me I hope that the days are as memorable for them as they are for me. I hope that we have many many more opportunities to "Bake" memories.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Being Crunky
You know nobody hates the Debbie Downer person worse than I do, but good grief! Everybody has bad days, sometimes bad weeks and sometimes just an extremely awful year. It always discourages me when someone actually admits to having difficulties and gets assaulted with criticism about how they shouldn't say anything. Some even go so far as to indicate that it might be indicative of a lack of faith to express how disheartened we are.
Social networking is used for lots of different things. Reconnecting with old friends, keeping in touch with existing friends and just in general putting it all out there for the world to know and see. For some, it is a hopefully safe haven to express what they might not be able to express to their closest loved ones for fear of hurting someone's feelings. After all, don't we all have those moments when we would just like to "vent" without fear of reprisal?
I am of the opinion that people often speak their pain in the hope of just one person realizing they could use some good old fashioned spirit boosting and maybe even a prayer or two. After all, if we don't know someone's needs how do we know what to do to help.
Having said that, I am having a pretty difficult time right now myself. As bad as I thought a year ago was, this year is even worse. As bad as things were last December, I still was harboring that hope that it would improve. My mom would get better, I would have her closer to me in Arkansas and we would have some time to spend getting reacquainted. This December I know better. And so many things have happened this year. My mom died, I lost a little dog I was crazy about, Roger lost his father, I lost a sort of job, the business we are trying to grow struggles daily, I've had surgery on my nose which hurt like the dickens, money is tight, my husband is stressed, I'm on edge, I'm Crunky (which is my word for a cranky chunky person.)
I'm also very lucky....I have wonderful children and amazing grandchildren that brighten my days. I have gotten off my butt and started to actually produce some of the things that I have dabbled at for years. I have a "pack" of canines that are challenging and take my mind off my problems more often than not. I still have a roof over my head, food to eat and I'm staying warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I have a husband who puts up with me which is no small chore - he's very stoic and brave. And, I have wonderful friends. Friends who allow me to be me and express when I am in pain, scared, tired, and just downright frustrated and angry. I hope I am known to allow them that same freedom of expression.
So the next time you read or hear someone say something that indicates they are really struggling try to not make them feel bad for expressing it. That only serves to make them feel worse. If you are physically present, give them a hug, offer your shoulder, a kleenex to cry in. In fact, try crying with them...it might actually make both of you feel better and eventually find something to do or say that will brighten their day. We are all internalized to a certain degree but all it takes is opening your ears, your eyes and your heart to know what is needed.
So, fair warning......I am Crunky and will probably be this way for a bit. I hope you can weather the storm and come out on the other side still my friend.
Social networking is used for lots of different things. Reconnecting with old friends, keeping in touch with existing friends and just in general putting it all out there for the world to know and see. For some, it is a hopefully safe haven to express what they might not be able to express to their closest loved ones for fear of hurting someone's feelings. After all, don't we all have those moments when we would just like to "vent" without fear of reprisal?
I am of the opinion that people often speak their pain in the hope of just one person realizing they could use some good old fashioned spirit boosting and maybe even a prayer or two. After all, if we don't know someone's needs how do we know what to do to help.
Having said that, I am having a pretty difficult time right now myself. As bad as I thought a year ago was, this year is even worse. As bad as things were last December, I still was harboring that hope that it would improve. My mom would get better, I would have her closer to me in Arkansas and we would have some time to spend getting reacquainted. This December I know better. And so many things have happened this year. My mom died, I lost a little dog I was crazy about, Roger lost his father, I lost a sort of job, the business we are trying to grow struggles daily, I've had surgery on my nose which hurt like the dickens, money is tight, my husband is stressed, I'm on edge, I'm Crunky (which is my word for a cranky chunky person.)
I'm also very lucky....I have wonderful children and amazing grandchildren that brighten my days. I have gotten off my butt and started to actually produce some of the things that I have dabbled at for years. I have a "pack" of canines that are challenging and take my mind off my problems more often than not. I still have a roof over my head, food to eat and I'm staying warm in the winter and cool in the summer. I have a husband who puts up with me which is no small chore - he's very stoic and brave. And, I have wonderful friends. Friends who allow me to be me and express when I am in pain, scared, tired, and just downright frustrated and angry. I hope I am known to allow them that same freedom of expression.
So the next time you read or hear someone say something that indicates they are really struggling try to not make them feel bad for expressing it. That only serves to make them feel worse. If you are physically present, give them a hug, offer your shoulder, a kleenex to cry in. In fact, try crying with them...it might actually make both of you feel better and eventually find something to do or say that will brighten their day. We are all internalized to a certain degree but all it takes is opening your ears, your eyes and your heart to know what is needed.
So, fair warning......I am Crunky and will probably be this way for a bit. I hope you can weather the storm and come out on the other side still my friend.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Let's Give 'Em Something To Blog About
Have you ever wondered where people come up with the things they Blog about? Well, I don't know about everyone else, but my blog is the "Dear Diary" of my "declining" years. At some point, someone may look back and read this and have some clarity on where my mind was - or wasn't as the case may be.
I have friends who use their Blogs as online scrapbooks for their little ones and I think that is a great idea. An online scrapbook is at least safe from crayons and scissors - something that paper scrapbooks seem to fall victim to.
I also enjoy those Blogs that people have created from the "weird" way the world works. One of my favorites is one called "Cake Wrecks" if you've never seen this one and are in need of a "wet your pants" laughing spell, check it out.
One person Blogged about loose change they found and kept a running tally of the amount of change that was just laying about forgotten. I tried this for a while until I found out that my husband was raiding my change can for cigarette money.
I followed with great interest a blog by a sweet little mother whose newborn was in NICU for a long time. She was a great inspiration to me with her unfailing faith that God would bring her child home to her, healthy and happy. And he did. That baby is now about to be a big sister and her mother still is a living breathing testimonial about how God can and will bless us if we lay our burdens at his feet and wait for his blessings.
A precious young friend of mine has developed a blog about style and is taking her flair for fashion into the arena of personal shopping. This girl has been stylish since her high school days and no one is better suited to help the unfashionable become style worthy.
I would challenge you to Blog. It is a great way to vent your feelings and opinions. And, you may develop a readership. My blogging lead to a weekly column in an online newspaper. People don't have to read, but often they do. You may offend someone but heck I offend people everyday without even trying, so......
A new year approaches and with it new challenges and new opportunities. Find something in your life that you would like to chronicle and track it for a year. You don't have to write everyday, but chances are you will become pretty dedicated to recording the progress or lack of. There are huge areas outside your front window. The seasons change, and so do we. Write about it - writing is cathartic. It gets it "out there" - and don't be afraid to write about the things that hurt. Having problems and difficulties are not symptomatic of a lack of faith - remember Job? One thing I can promise you - if you write about your problems I will never make you feel bad that you are not faithful enough. I will try to reassure you, encourage you AND pray for you.
So come Blog with me......it is good for the spirit!
Peace my friends!
I have friends who use their Blogs as online scrapbooks for their little ones and I think that is a great idea. An online scrapbook is at least safe from crayons and scissors - something that paper scrapbooks seem to fall victim to.
I also enjoy those Blogs that people have created from the "weird" way the world works. One of my favorites is one called "Cake Wrecks" if you've never seen this one and are in need of a "wet your pants" laughing spell, check it out.
One person Blogged about loose change they found and kept a running tally of the amount of change that was just laying about forgotten. I tried this for a while until I found out that my husband was raiding my change can for cigarette money.
I followed with great interest a blog by a sweet little mother whose newborn was in NICU for a long time. She was a great inspiration to me with her unfailing faith that God would bring her child home to her, healthy and happy. And he did. That baby is now about to be a big sister and her mother still is a living breathing testimonial about how God can and will bless us if we lay our burdens at his feet and wait for his blessings.
A precious young friend of mine has developed a blog about style and is taking her flair for fashion into the arena of personal shopping. This girl has been stylish since her high school days and no one is better suited to help the unfashionable become style worthy.
I would challenge you to Blog. It is a great way to vent your feelings and opinions. And, you may develop a readership. My blogging lead to a weekly column in an online newspaper. People don't have to read, but often they do. You may offend someone but heck I offend people everyday without even trying, so......
A new year approaches and with it new challenges and new opportunities. Find something in your life that you would like to chronicle and track it for a year. You don't have to write everyday, but chances are you will become pretty dedicated to recording the progress or lack of. There are huge areas outside your front window. The seasons change, and so do we. Write about it - writing is cathartic. It gets it "out there" - and don't be afraid to write about the things that hurt. Having problems and difficulties are not symptomatic of a lack of faith - remember Job? One thing I can promise you - if you write about your problems I will never make you feel bad that you are not faithful enough. I will try to reassure you, encourage you AND pray for you.
So come Blog with me......it is good for the spirit!
Peace my friends!
Friday, December 3, 2010
From The Ridiculous To The Pond Slime
Seriously, I am in so much of a dither over the state of our country I fear I am in danger of harming myself from beating my head into the corner of the wall.
Just when you think the people who represent us in Washington cannot possibly get any more clueless they surprise you.
I was already all worked up over the woman who wanted to have the ban against wearing hats on the floor of our auspicious governing body lifted. Now in all their wisdom the people who should be worrying about no jobs, high taxes, no unemployment, homelessness, lack of medical care for all the people affected by the aforementioned have moved to make our world a safer place.
They have actually passed legislation to rid us of those annoyingly loud TV commercials. We no longer can be trusted to dial down the sound or take subtle pleasure in muting things we don't like hearing - they will do it for us. They actually interviewed one of these lofty protectors of the lowly who said, and I quote, "if I had a dime for everyone who has asked me where is the bill for this - I would be a rich woman." Really?! Really!
One has to wonder how this happened. Were a few of them out to dinner with cosmopolitans and finger foods when someone remarked, "you know what annoys me? - Those loud obnoxious TV ads." OMG - Those drive me crazy. Me too. Someone should do something. Well, we have been elected to be the protectors of the great unwashed (thanks Denise I love this description of us in general.) And a bill was born and passed. What's next - Is Hattie the Hat Freak gonna decide that she doesn't like blue cars and try to pass a bill banning the color blue from the car paint palette? Or maybe they will decide that it is unhealthy to have a TV altogether. We should tread carefully here people. When the focus shifts to protecting us from ourselves we are at risk of losing far more than we gain.
And just how much did this little piece of tripe cost us today?
Just when you think the people who represent us in Washington cannot possibly get any more clueless they surprise you.
I was already all worked up over the woman who wanted to have the ban against wearing hats on the floor of our auspicious governing body lifted. Now in all their wisdom the people who should be worrying about no jobs, high taxes, no unemployment, homelessness, lack of medical care for all the people affected by the aforementioned have moved to make our world a safer place.
They have actually passed legislation to rid us of those annoyingly loud TV commercials. We no longer can be trusted to dial down the sound or take subtle pleasure in muting things we don't like hearing - they will do it for us. They actually interviewed one of these lofty protectors of the lowly who said, and I quote, "if I had a dime for everyone who has asked me where is the bill for this - I would be a rich woman." Really?! Really!
One has to wonder how this happened. Were a few of them out to dinner with cosmopolitans and finger foods when someone remarked, "you know what annoys me? - Those loud obnoxious TV ads." OMG - Those drive me crazy. Me too. Someone should do something. Well, we have been elected to be the protectors of the great unwashed (thanks Denise I love this description of us in general.) And a bill was born and passed. What's next - Is Hattie the Hat Freak gonna decide that she doesn't like blue cars and try to pass a bill banning the color blue from the car paint palette? Or maybe they will decide that it is unhealthy to have a TV altogether. We should tread carefully here people. When the focus shifts to protecting us from ourselves we are at risk of losing far more than we gain.
And just how much did this little piece of tripe cost us today?
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Happy Happy Birthday Baby
Today is my sweet husband's birthday. We will not speak of his age, mostly because he is younger than I. I always did have a thing for a younger fellow. ;)
Times are tough here at the Casa de Beshears and I have no gift for him. This would be unforgivable if it were my birthday, but he never minds. Over the course of our marriage I have routinely forgotten his special day, celebrated it on the wrong day or tried to convince him that it really wasn't his birthday because his birthday is on the 5th. Poor Roger, I think there were actually some moments when I almost had him convinced that he wasn't born on the 1st of December.
His never failing good humor always stays intact because birthdays aren't a big thing to him. **They are HUGE to me** You forget my birthday at your own peril.
When I handed him his steaming cup of birthday java this morning and confessed to having no present, his response was "you are here for my birthday this year, that is all that matters."
Wow, talk about whispering sweet nothings in my ear! To know that your mere presence is a gift to someone is amazingly romantic. There has been a lot said, written and speculated on about how difficult this time last year was for ME. But I don't think anyone really realized how very hard it was for Roger. He was left with the constant day to day life challenges with no help. He was responsible for 3 dogs who basically viewed him as just another one of the group. He is not the disciplinarian in the house, therefore, not a "pack leader." He was surrounded by family but really alone in the sense that the person he has allowed himself to become dependent on was missing.
So if being here is his gift I will be the biggest 'ole present and presence I can be today. I will make some good old fashioned comfort food for dinner, ply him with chocolate chip cookies and not complain about anything at all for today. (Today only mind you.)
And so, Happy Birthday Big Daddy (or Papa as his Latino workers like to call him) I hope you have a day worthy of you.
Times are tough here at the Casa de Beshears and I have no gift for him. This would be unforgivable if it were my birthday, but he never minds. Over the course of our marriage I have routinely forgotten his special day, celebrated it on the wrong day or tried to convince him that it really wasn't his birthday because his birthday is on the 5th. Poor Roger, I think there were actually some moments when I almost had him convinced that he wasn't born on the 1st of December.
His never failing good humor always stays intact because birthdays aren't a big thing to him. **They are HUGE to me** You forget my birthday at your own peril.
When I handed him his steaming cup of birthday java this morning and confessed to having no present, his response was "you are here for my birthday this year, that is all that matters."
Wow, talk about whispering sweet nothings in my ear! To know that your mere presence is a gift to someone is amazingly romantic. There has been a lot said, written and speculated on about how difficult this time last year was for ME. But I don't think anyone really realized how very hard it was for Roger. He was left with the constant day to day life challenges with no help. He was responsible for 3 dogs who basically viewed him as just another one of the group. He is not the disciplinarian in the house, therefore, not a "pack leader." He was surrounded by family but really alone in the sense that the person he has allowed himself to become dependent on was missing.
So if being here is his gift I will be the biggest 'ole present and presence I can be today. I will make some good old fashioned comfort food for dinner, ply him with chocolate chip cookies and not complain about anything at all for today. (Today only mind you.)
And so, Happy Birthday Big Daddy (or Papa as his Latino workers like to call him) I hope you have a day worthy of you.
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