Intention

intention  - noun - in-ten-tion:  A determination to act in a certain way: resolve

I think about this word....a lot.  Oddly enough, it also means, "a process or manner of healing of incised wounds."

Hmmmmmm.....maybe wounds inflicted by careless tongues or thoughtless deeds?

Intentions...those things of which the road to hell is paved with.

Then, there are people who "intend".  They intended to call, they intended to offer help, or solace or maybe a kind word.  They intended to apologize.  The intended a lot of things, but something always kept getting in the way, something always stopped them right on the threshold of intention on the way to action.  And, suddenly.....there were no more chances to act.

I find myself, often, learning of a life shaking event and thinking "oh, I intended to tell her/him just how much I enjoy knowing them, or how much I love having them in my life!"  That lack of action of intention leads to REGRET and regret soon gives way to guilt which results in sadness. 

So, if over the course of the coming years, you find yourself on the receiving end of my action and resolve, don't be surprised.  I am resolved to live my life with intention followed up by action.  I don't make resolutions but I fully am committed to intention driven actions.  And, in the process, I'm going to like myself a little more and stop allowing others' lack of action influence my behavior.  I intend to be happy, I intend to be content, I intend to be kind, I intend to do the best thing I know how to do, and I intend to be me.  And my actions will reflect these intentions because I choose not to perish being afraid to open the door of an action driven existence any longer.

Apology NOT Accepted

I guess I don't completely understand the whole concept of regret, acceptance, accountability, and apology.  Or....I'm just not good at the last part.

I live with tons of regret and I've come to realize that the more regret I have and the more I allow it to break my heart, there are some people who are perfectly willing to allow me to suffer that regret without any means of attempting to fix it.

I accept a lot of things about myself.  I know I am selfish, I am VERY opinionated and not afraid to let it fly (which causes me no small amount of that word REGRET.)  I am stubborn, willful, and at times down right mean spirited.  Sometimes the realization of those points occurs to me while I am spewing that thing called OPINION.  I am not always a nice person....I'd like to be....I try to be, but I fail more often than not.  On the flip side of the tarnished penny of "ME", is the fact I love too easily and expect that because I love someone - warts and all, they will return that favor.  I also come to a point of forgiveness pretty quickly and once I do I start trying to make amends.

I find it interesting that it takes more than just you to wreck a relationship, but one often finds themselves trying to "fix" what is broken all by themselves.

When you ask for forgiveness for your part in a strained relationship and you are met with a bullet list of all the things you did to cause the rift with no acceptance on the part of the other individual regarding their contributing role, what do you do?  The last thing that I want to do is get caught up in a circular argument when it is apparent that the other person sees nothing wrong in what they have said or done.  Instead, they only want to paint themselves as the victim in the situation which almost leads you to ask "what will it take for you to get over this, feel better about this or move on?"

And when that conversation just stops with no conclusion....then what?

I fully think that if someone apologizes to you....you owe them either the acceptance of that apology or you need to simply say "I don't accept your apology."  To leave someone hanging without knowing if they should continue to try to mend a fence or simply dust off their shoes and move on is pretty dehumanizing.  And....I am also finding that it is almost impossible for someone to just open up enough to "own" their part of a situation.  Is it really that painful to admit that yes, you might have played a role in the disagreement as well?

I guess I am greatly blessed and infinitely lucky that I am a firm believer in the forgiveness of God because I know he sees my heart all the way through the layers of black and grey and finds the small little red beating part and gives me the benefit of the doubt.  Over the course of the past 6 or 7 years, I have inflicted on myself much to atone for and I have genuinely tried to begin that process only to find people who will not accept it, reject it or own any degree of it.

I'm pretty sure my "Apology Tour" has come to a close.  I've owned my behavior, regretted my words and actions, acknowledged the need for healing and attempted to accomplish it.  I've put my balls into the other courts and it remains with the other players to decide if they want to play them or let them lay there.  But, I will continue to be #sorry.

I'm A'gin It!

Here is my feeling about the whole Stephan Colbert issue, not that anyone cares, but I always like to have my opinions on record.  I enjoy the private hate mail.

First of all, I have a hard time with people who think they are the be all, is all for the whole world and seem to be more impressed with themselves than they are the impact they have on others.  People who star in their own movies rarely exist in a reality I recognize.  Therefore, they simply cease to have any direct impression on me.

The things this questionable self appointed comedian had to say recently weren't funny, weren't helpful, weren't respectful of anyone and created nothing positive at all.  And in fact, he merely served to amp up the hate and negativity a lot of us are striving to put behind us.  But there will always be those who enjoy a fire so much, they can't help but run up and throw their little cans of gasoline on the blaze to make it bigger and burn brighter and they don't care about the after party.....at.all.

I know there is a huge cry for him to be fired and while I don't disagree that there should be some accountability for his actions, I don't believe this is the best course.  I think for conservatives to resort to the tactics we observe from the radicalized left and the snowflakes in the land, is the wrong course of action.

I believe we should hold ourselves to a much higher standard that the examples being played out for us in the media every day..

What Mr. Colbert and his network deserve to have happen is for people like me to simply slip out the door and not watch another thing they put forth.  Advertisers should merely say, "we've decided not to advertise with you in the future" and offer no explanation....just leave and take your money with you.

At some point....someone will review the timeline for falling ratings and diminishing revenue and trace it back to the root of its beginning and at that point they have the opportunity to continue down the path they've set their feet upon, or embark on a new journey.

That would be an interesting thing to follow, as so far it hasn't happened with certain factions of the political arena or the news.  They just don't get it and they keep thinking they can strong arm us into not knowing or feeling what we know and feel.  It isn't going to happen.  We are smarter, better informed, better researchers and far more driven than they give us credit for but instead of listening.....they continue to grind the same grist in the mill.

I say, let Colbert hoist himself on his own petard....let him spin on his own whirlygig and eventually stew in his own juice.  I don't have time for him....he simply doesn't matter enough for me to give him fuel for his own personal little blaze which will eventually become his own roast.

And that's the way I sees it!