Spoiled and Entitled and It's All My Fault

Recently, someone of some celebrity seemed to indicate that women tend to make their sons more spoiled and entitled than their daughters.  Indicating that we expected more from our girls and less from boys.

I'm not sure what she bases this opinion on having never raised boys herself but I beg to differ.

In my case, I raised one of each of these little critters and I can tell you for sure I was much harder on my son than I was my daughter.  However, my daughter was extremely hard on herself, she had this inner drive to succeed and she pushed herself much too hard.  And, it wouldn't surprise me a bit if she argued that I was tougher on her.

Coming from the background I did I expected my boy to be brave, to not be a cry baby, to exhibit more masculine traits.  This had to be hard for him as he has a very tender heart, a sensitive spirit and a great deal of creativity which lends itself to a softer side.  He also has a very hard head and a strong will.  He isn't prissy at all, he likes guy stuff, has been known to resort to fisticuffs on occasion and I have no doubt he is all man.  But, I will say there were times I enabled my son in some wrong thinking mainly because I was just so worried about where he might land in life.  For a pretty long time I was solely responsible for both my kids and it is danged hard to be the only adult/parent in the room.  Sometimes, you just get tired and you let down and you let them down.

I am a huge believer in personal accountability, I think decisions you make you HAVE to own, and learn from, and do better.  I am not a fan of excuse makers.  If you try hard enough you can find a good reason for almost everything you do that places the blame on someone else.  My children's father is a man of many stories and in every story he tells he either emerges as a hero or a victim (more often the latter) whichever suits his purpose.  I've often said that if he were a book, every chapter ended one page too soon.  But to continue would cast a whole different light on the story he tells.

Blaming others for our shortcomings just isn't productive because not stepping up and owning your stuff stifles your growth and eventually creates a mindset and trend that only gets worse as you get older.

My biggest advice to anyone is to realize that none of us have had a perfect life.  We have all crashed into the potholes of life and come out stinking.  But every dip in the road, crack in the wall, or obstacle placed in our path provides us with two choices.  1)  Take that imperfect life and use it as a foundation to build something far better. ....or.....2)  Take that imperfect life and wrap it around yourself as a blanket of excuse and never have anything better to show for yourself.  Because, that warm lack of accountability blanket eventually becomes a shield that repels every effort and good thing coming your way.

Entitled and spoiled men often share three things....1)Money   2)Power     3)Control   - and every one of those things is an absolute corrupter if we are not vigilant.

So, no.  As a woman, as a mother I refuse to accept that I might be responsible if my son was a jerk (which he isn't).  He has a mind, free choice and the intelligence to make his own decisions.  I will own the fact he was first and therefore my human lab rat, my science experiment in parenting.  I made a lot of mistakes.  I also did some really good things and in the end, he's a pretty decent human being....in spite of me.

Wahhhh, Wahhhh, Wahhhh

Three words that describe this year's abysmal season of BIG BROTHER, which needs to immediately be rebranded as BIG FREAKING BABY or Herd Mentality in a Nutshell.

First of all, I am unapologetic about my fascination with reality TV.  And while I am relatively new to this particular show (thanks a heap Kristina L), I am a huge student of human nature and people's behaviors and character....or lack thereof.

Here is my take away from this season of Big Brother. *****SPOILER ALERT****** - read no further if you have NOT yet watched the finale or proceed at your own risk.

1)  I am not a fan of returning "vets" - in my opinion they have a huge advantage in this game and therefore it is unfair to bring them back for a second shot at winning.

2)  One of the biggest mistakes made this season was for the entire house to NOT band together to eject Paul immediately upon his arrival.  However, I totally have no problem with Kevin going for the $ in that temptation.  In my mind he knew he didn't have a shot to win it all but he took the opportunity to walk away with something.  Smart move....however, that move did release the annoyance of the "puppet master" on the house.  Every single person in there should have immediately decided he needed to be sent right back out so they could have THEIR season...instead they were all in awe of his huge personality and success from last season soooo they played right into his hands.

3)  I liked the temptation thing I thought it added a great little wrinkle to the play but no one used it wisely, therefore, once again....they were dumb.

4)  Jessica made two really bone headed moves.  First, she should have taken Ramses off the block and put Paul up beside Josh and Paul would have had to reveal his true colors while fighting for his life in the house.  Dumb move Jess....you had all the power and wasted it.  Secondly, when you had the power to halt the eviction you should have sat on that information until the second the eviction was announced and then unloaded it.  You would have caught Paul off balance....as it was...you gave him days to plan yours and Cody's demise.  Super dumb.

5)  When you have someone in the house who has NEVER been on the block and yet has been in your ear the whole game telling you what to do with your power, common sense should tell you he is doing the same thing with everyone in the house.  Did every one of you think you were that special??? I guess so.

6)  When someone has to talk so fast they are basically unintelligible (JOSH) you can bet your bottom dollar they are an accomplished liar.  Someone should have taken those 2 skillets and flattened his head while he slept.....one of THE MOST annoying humans I have ever seen on TV.  The fact he won is beyond comprehension and I hope someone steals his money and makes him cry.

7)  Alex, Alex, Alex....I honestly thought you were smart as a tack and I sat waiting for you to turn the house upside down and you left me hanging.

8)  While I think Cody and Jessica are a cute couple, I predict that is not a long time thing because I think he will never soften on issues she needs him too.  One thing about him - he believes what he believes and doesn't waiver.  The fact he stuck the final knife in Paul was almost poetic and just shows that as badly as he hated Josh, he saw Paul for what he was, viewed him the biggest loser in the house and made it happen.  And Paul knew it....when the vote was tied and Cody's key remained....I saw hope depart from Paul and my little heart was happy.  It speaks to Cody's complete understanding of his own character that when he won fan favorite his only words were "it doesn't make sense."  Probably not, but maybe, just maybe there were a whole lot of people who appreciated seeing someone stick to their guns and be willing to take it in the shorts.

9)  Kevin might have been the smartest guy in the house...he cruised along like an aging GQ model knowing he had the money in his pocket and anything else was simply.......gravy.

10)  Raven who daily sucked on a helium tank and spouted boatloads of ridiculous rhetoric in her squeaky voice was just annoying.  Did that girl EVER make sense?  I found myself wishing for a large mouse trap to spring on her.  And really...she was helping Paul pull strings?  Then why were you sitting your butt in the Jury House with Captain Crunch.

11)  Christmas just got carried through on the strength of an injury.  Throwing comps to her was insulting and she should have never stood for it if she is the strong independent woman she wants to profess herself to be.  And let's face it the only reason she gave Josh the time of day was because she thought he would sweep her with him into the final two.  Well, ho, ho, ho Christmas Joy.

12)  Mark and Elena just kind of were there being swept along on the Paul wave until it crashed on the shore and they were left picking seaweed out of their teeth.  I think both of them probably are pretty decent human beings but they were waaaaay out maneuvered in the deception and manipulation department.

13)  Jason was kind of a favorite of mine and he and Alex had what it took to win the whole enchilada but they both allowed Paul to turn their heads and Alex allowed her smarts to be sucked up into her kitty ears.  They could have rode their collective skill with winning comps and Alexs' supposed game savvy all the way to the end.  But sadly, they did not...and honestly that would have been good for the show.  This ending was not.

14)  Long story short....neither Paul or Josh are good people.  They want you to think they are, but they are not.  I still think this exercise in human behavior can be done without destroying the core goodness of people.  I hate coasters, I want to see honest competition and everyone giving 100% for their own game without throwing crap on someone else and then I want to see good sports both in winning and losing.  After last season I do not believe Paul needed the money....he had a brand and a big following, he had the keys to his success from last season....this season it was all about his ego and I quite frankly was happy to see that squashed.  I just hated to see JOSH win....to me this was the equivalent of watching a child throw a tantrum in Walmart in the toy aisle until his beleaguered parents give in and just buy him the store.  Crying is one thing but his sobbing shrieking meltdowns were only eclipsed by the fact he allowed himself to be used by everyone in the house to just annoy the crap out of Jessica and Cody.  She spoke truth when she said it took all of them banding together to put them out.  What a pity they couldn't have used that team spirit to deal with Paul early on.

My conclusion on this season is that there were a whole lot of really not very nice people in that house and it could be a microcosm of society in general...in essence....a pretty good little dose of reality.

America - Your Medication of the Day is.....Growicet

Let me go on record by saying statues and monuments are horribly offensive....let me show you why.

This one celebrates a grown man who made loads of money playing a game for a living.  I mean....really?

 Does it bother anyone else that this old dude is holding this baby in a questionable manner?








Is she cavorting naked with an innocent child?

 There are no females in this image....I'm definitely offended by this one.  Where were WE?  Making coffee somewhere?

 This guy is pointing at someone...how rude!

Shows weaponry....weaponry is bad!

 This one is simply terrifying, what if children see this?

This triggers my depression....and it is clear he has obviously been abusing that horse.

 Clearly someone had waaaay too much time on their hands...and who paid for that and who cares about these guys anyway?

This is a ridiculous waste of the precious resource of electricity...must go.

Clearly these children are stealing bread from that poor old woman...again...must go.

But this one is the worst....fat shaming is just plain wrong.

Begging

If someone comes to you begging for food....do you deny them bread?

If you know that someone needs a little boost up financially....do you find an extra few dollars to help?

If you see a need in a child, or an animal, or an elderly person...do you try to fill that need?

Chances are, we are charitable with our goods, our money, and our time.

But, how charitable are we with our words?  Do you "see" that person who needs to hear you say you appreciate them and that you love them?  Do you "hear" the silence of their yearning to know you care, that you recognize you don't take a minute to acknowledge their existence?

Sometimes, all it takes to turn a person's entire day around is a simple "seeing" them and letting them know you are grateful for their presence in your life.

If you are lucky enough to have your parents, let them know.  If you have been blessed with a slightly flawed, imperfect yet inherently good person to share your life with...let them know you love them, that you value them.  And, if God has allowed you to never know the pain of losing your child...give them as much good and loving advice as you have means to give....for no one will ever love your child as much as you do. No one else will love them enough to try to help them avoid the potholes on the road of life.

Don't let yourself be guilty of turning your back on a beggar....especially those who only want you.

To See a Rainbow, There Must First Be Rain

Sometimes you have to watch from around the corner while people endure the most heart wrenching pain imaginable.  And, you are helpless to do anything that can make a difference at all....and so....you watch, you pray, you cry, you do whatever little things you can to help...and you learn.

You learn that during an inexplicable tragedy like the sudden loss of multiple lives, there is really nothing else on earth that really matters.  Petty issues, problems, dysfunction, spats, quarrels, hurt feelings and unkind and unthinking words pretty much pale in comparison.  You relearn that any issues you have with anyone had better be taken care of today....right.now. because that chance could be ripped away from you with no warning and you will be left with a whole lot of "things I wish I'd dones" and "things I wish I'd saids."

You also learn than no one owns the corner at the intersection of Heartbreak and Grief.  We all get to travel through there at varying degrees.  Some of us are merely riding through in someone else's vehicle trying to help, while others of us are driving our own car....and often, we feel incredibly alone even when we are not.

I think it is telling of us as humans how we handle the situations where we are unbelievably raw.  Do we take the time to understand that everyone grieves, suffers, and experiences pain in different ways?  Or do we expect everyone to respond exactly like we do?

It is my belief that we could avoid some of the pitfalls of dealing with grief if we could come to grips with whether our own responses stem from sympathy/compassion or empathy, even though those qualities are related.  While they are related they are also different.  Empathetic people have the ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person.  Compassion/sympathy takes those feelings and thoughts and works them into the desire to help.  So does this mean that these two qualities are two sides of the same coin?  I think in most cases it does.  We have to be careful not to get stuck in our empathy and not progress on to how we can best help to improve a situation.  Narcissistic people cannot recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others and in my experience some of those people are rabid empaths.  They feel the emotions at the center of the issue but they assume them as their own and it becomes more about them than anyone else.  They are stuck in their own place, never moving forward or helping in any tangible way.

Feelings of grief are like fireflies.  Even when the night has passed where they have burned the brightest, they sometimes flicker at the most inopportune moments in the light of day.  Some of us need to release those feelings in very vocal ways while others of us internalize, and then one day, we are taken to our knees from the overwhelming weight of what we feel.

You see things everyday on television where people say things like "well she/he never even cried."  Maybe not.  Maybe they never did....maybe they simply just died inside.  Speaking personally, I have a bit of a tendency to under-react the closer and bigger things are to me.  When my mom passed away...I was pretty stoic...I was sad, incredibly tired, and more than a little confused.  But probably my behavior wasn't as overtly grief stricken as some might deem appropriate.  Then a month later, a little dog I cared about was killed and I went absolutely to pieces.  It was about the dog....somewhat.  But, it was more about the fact I had squashed down all that agony over mom and once I allowed it oxygen to breathe it roared into a fire I had difficulty dealing with.

I once had to try to explain to someone why they needed to try to realize that while the death of someone was painful to them, they needed to understand their own place inside the pattern.  In this case it was the mother of their friend.  She had treated them incredibly well and they had spent a lot of time around her and they were suffering, and I knew that.  But I explained to them that to allow their feelings to overtake them when there were others closer to the epicenter of the issue would not be very helpful.  That event firstly happened to the woman, then her husband, children, parents and grandparents if they were still living, and siblings,  then extended family members - aunts, uncles, cousins and then friends and acquaintances.  I had to gently remind my own suffering child that while he loved her a lot, he needed to try to stand strong for his friend who had just

lost his mother.  In that moment, he needed to express sympathy and compassion and find a way to help, even though I knew that he absolutely "felt" that pain.  It was not intended to diminish his own feelings but to try to help move him to a place of positive contribution as opposed to rushing into a burning building carrying a can of gasoline.

In the long run, it is my hope that every instance of grief can serve as a catalyst to repairing relationships, healing hurt feelings, and learning to live life a little better day by day.  To come more and more often from a place of kindness and love.  To look more and more to the creator of us all as our ultimate destination on this journey called life which unfortunately is filled with many rest stops called grief.

Moving Mother

It has been a minute since I shared a mom story, but this one popped into my memory today.

After daddy died, Mom spent a while trying to stay in Amarillo, but she just wasn't happy there.  Since I was her only biological child, she wisely decided she should move closer to me.  Plans began to be made as to how to accomplish such a mammoth move.

At that time, my husband worked for a local company here that often had trucks dead heading back to Arkansas and his company generously offered to let us move mom's household stuff in one of those trucks.  We hired about 5 man power guys to pack and load her belongings and we had someone who was also responsible for carting all the stuff to storage that she didn't want to bring right now.

We had already sourced a great apartment in a really nice neighborhood and location so once her things arrived, mom was soon settled in. 

Several months passed and she let us know that she was ready to have the stuff from storage that she had left behind in Amarillo.  It was right around Thanksgiving time so Roger and I both took off work and told her we would go to Amarillo and get the rest of her stuff. 

Mom assured us that it would all fit in Roger's Chevy truck , so off we went.

We got into Amarillo pretty late so we opted to motel it for a night and hit it hard early the next morning.  November in the panhandle of Texas is usually pretty chilly and that year was no exception but we bravely set out the next morning to the storage complex with our truck, ready to load up and head home.

When we arrived at the storage place, I took the key mom had provided and soon learned it.was.NOT.the.right.key.  So now we have quite a conundrum.  Between Roger's pockets, my purse, the key ring mom had given me, the glove box in the truck and the console we had probably seven sets of keys.  We tried each one of them one by one.  Wonder of miraculous wonders, one of the keys on one of Roger's key rings worked!  How?  I have no idea.  God took pity on us.

We were elated.

It was short lived.

When that storage door rolled up, we were met with a solid wall of Rubbermaid tubs, boxes, barrels, and loose household furniture.  In short, we were about a semi-truck short of the needed equipment to get it all home.

So....off we went to U-Haul to rent a trailer....oh, and have a trailer hitch installed because the one on our truck would not work for the trailer we rented.  That all took the better part of a day.  By now, I can see my husband's patience is starting to fray.

We decided to not continue, but to load up the next day and head home.  So, we spent another night in a motel, something we were not  financially well prepared for at that time.

The next morning was freaking freezing and the wind was blowing straight out of the north at about 50 miles an hour.

We loaded as much in the truck as we could and started filling up the trailer.  Each item that went in to that trailer made me doubt that we would find room for everything in the storage unit.  We were quickly running out of space.  So we decided to double stack the truck and tarp it.

We found a Walmart out in the middle of Nowheresville, literally sitting all by itself out there on the prairie in Amarillo.  We bought a tarp, some rope, a pair of scissors and began the task of securing our load for a long drive back to Arkansas.

Trying to wrestle that tarp in gale force freezing winds could easily become an Olympic event.  Roger finally made me get in the truck because we were both freezing and I know he was probably muttering profane statements regarding my mother....me....Texas....that he didn't want me to hear and take issue with.

So, I'm in the cab of the truck with the heater blowing, teeth chattering, watching to see if he signals for help.  As I'm watching, he lays the scissors down on the edge of the truck bed to secure the tarp with rope and the wind lifts the scissors and blows them OVER the truck.

At that moment, Roger opens the truck door, crawls inside and says "f this, we are going home."  This is not his usual preferred expression....so I knew that the patience had flown and I needed to tread carefully or I might too.

And so we started for Arkansas just in time to travel in a freezing rain storm that ended up laying a solid sheet of ice on the highway.

We must have been quite the sight...flapping tarp, piles of useless junk and pulling a U-Haul.  Each attempt to find a place to eat devolved into pulling into places that had no power due to the ice storm, or simply had no food.

I honestly can't remember how long it took us to get home, but it wasn't a quick or pleasant trip.  But, mom was happy to have her stuff and she was wildly unapologetic about our trials and tribulations to make that happen for her.

And Now a Word About Bullying

Bullying.  Was this a thing back in the day?  I'm pretty sure at some point in our lives, we have all been technically bullied.  Or......we have been on the pitching side of some pretty nasty behavior to others.  I seem to remember people calling me a loud mouth (that hasn't changed), some even called be a word that rhymes with witch (again, still appropriate), and I was often told I was too skinny (would that I had that problem today, too freckled (those faded...or were eaten by wrinkles), and also that I was just down right ugly (that one hurt because I thought I looked like my mom and I thought she was the most gorgeous thing ever).  But, I also remember in elementary school being part of a nasty little set of "mean girls" who mercilessly picked on a girl someone deemed "less than."  I am to this day not sure why I did that because I actually liked the girl and had spent the night with her a time of two and every now and then, her brother was my boyfriend.  But, I did it and it wasn't until a teacher, my favorite teacher who I thought probably went home at night and unfolded her angel wings, pulled me to her side one day and told me how disappointed she was....in me.

It killed me.

In any case...I don't think bullying is new and I don't think it is worse than it's ever been.  And, I know it is an important subject and of great merit as a teaching moment.  And, I also know that for probably at least 5 years now, it has been front and center of a lot of teaching, preaching and in some cases over reaching.

My flakes are frosted over the grown people in this country who are daily whining, crying and having to seek out crayons and play dough because some other grown up "bullied" them.

To my way of thinking the overuse of the "bullying" tactic is basically making it increasingly ineffective in the areas where it should really matter.  Children, the aged, the handicapped, the infirm and the otherwise challenged individuals for whom we should all make a stand.

When a grown man says a female "bullied" him - I cringe.  Maybe I'm not terribly evolved but I mean really dude?  Just how big of a "baby" are you?  I am proud to say that there isn't a single man in my acquaintance who would resort to emasculating himself in this manner.  They would either smile and walk away noting to themselves, that you, dear, are a horrible human being or they would call you out not as a bully but as an awful person, and let the chips fall where they may.  If you were another male, their response would be different and could possibly involve fisticuffs or pistols at 50 paces, but call you a bully?  Nope.  Not even.  They might call you something else, but they would never relinquish that inherent maleness by slapping a "victim of a bully" label on themselves.

When we, as a society, decide to verbally needlepoint trendy buzz words on our feelings pillows, those words lose their meaning and their strength little by little.  Plus, in resorting to always feeling like we are the victims of bullying, we are depriving ourselves of the opportunity to utilize our people skills, our powers of persuasion, our finesse, and our intelligence, heck...in some cases even our attractiveness to the opposite sex.  Yes.  I went there.  But ultimately, we deprive ourselves of the ability to "rise" and show just how tough we are in a crisis.

Can we please save the word "bullying" for the playground

Or for those among us who truly need a strong voice advocating for them against real bullies, real threats, real dangers and real problems.

Merely getting your "feels" hurt or your proverbial panties in a twist just simply isn't enough.

Say What??!

Growing old affords you a lot of things.  You gain some perspective on the importance of issues and lose respect for some other matters that seemed to be a really big deal once upon a time.

Sometimes you lose your hair, sometimes you find you have it suddenly appearing in the most unexpected places.

Often, small tasks like threading a needle, opening a jar, driving after dark or remembering where you left your glasses take on an accelerated degree of importance.

Many years ago, quite a few now that I think about it, I started losing my hearing.  Honestly, most of the time it was kind of enjoyable.  I was able to experience that "selective hearing" that men seem to think they have the market cornered on.

However, the spouse and the kids became increasingly annoyed with my inability to hear them unless they were shouting so I decided to throw them a bone and get something to help.

Hearing aids have come miles and miles since my grandpa's kind.  Now you can wear them and the world truly never knows they are there.  That is a plus.

But, every plus has a minus, or in the case of me and my little helpers, many minuses.

If you get hot and sweaty, they make my ears itch - therefore I often opt out of hearing in those conditions.  Music that is comfortable or only mildly too loud for everyone else can make me feel like I'm being tortured by sound as some form of psychological warfare.

And in a crowd....oh my goodness....if the Tower of Babel sounded anything remotely like the crowd at my recent high school reunion, I'm surprised those people didn't fling themselves from the parapets.

I can hear a little without aids...very little.  And there is no vibrance or vitality in the sound.  It is dull and flat.  My hearing aids bring vitality and color back into sound for me and in small gatherings and one on one they actually make things very enjoyable.

But in large crowds, there is an over abundance of sound.  Everyone talking and laughing all at once and I am hearing all of it.  The couple in the corner, the lady going out of the door, the man telling the funny story.....I'm hearing it.  But not really.  It becomes like wind noise in a speeding car....just sound....lots and lots of sound.

And, something I learned this time was after I leave that crowd, my brain is on sensory overload.  I start working to process what I've heard...or worse....what I might have missed.  Did someone say something to me directly that I didn't hear and now they think I ignored them? (Stuck up snob)   Did I fail to properly express concern or excitement over something I was told? (Rude and uncaring heifer)

The last evening of my reunion, I forgot(?) to wear my hearing aids.  I missed a lot of things the speakers said (I hate that) and I spent a great deal of time trying to make sure I spent a moment of true face to face time with a great many people.

So, if you observed me flitting about like a crazed bumblebee just know that I was absorbing quality sound and words from as many people as I could find that would spend a moment talking to me and making me laugh.  And, remember...that issue isn't going to get one bit better so in 2 years, for the next get together, I may be scheduling private audiences like the Pope.

Say What?????

As I See It

Let's All Have a Little Whine With Poor James

I'm going to drop my thoughts on this subject here instead of just doing a huge Facebook rant.  This way people can be forewarned and steer away if they feel they may be offended or choose to take issue.  I am fine with disagreements regarding my opinions and I welcome you to leave your thoughts....good or bad.  But, please do it as a comment on this blog post as I have grandchildren who see my Facebook page and I would just as soon they not have to realize as such tender ages that the grandmother gets hate mail.

Today in Washington D C, the taxpayers footed the bill for a gigantic nothing burger that proved a whole lot of people right and even more people wrong.  The whole Russia - Trump - Collusion national tour suddenly got all future engagements cancelled and some people had to eat their nothing burger with a lot of egg on top with a side helping of crow.  While Mr. Comey's testimony today debunked a whole lot of the crap we have been suffering through for months on end....I found myself ridiculously disappointed in him as a human being.

The ex-director of the FBI is a physically imposing man.  He stands head and shoulders taller than almost anyone in the room.  He carries himself with an air of confidence mixed with a little swagger which is certainly understandable...for a long time, he was the baddest badass of them all.

The director of the FBI is by definition a person who can cause grown men to tremble in their shoes, women to weep and cling to their children because such a person can lay waste to your life and salt the earth effectively ruining it for as many future generations as you can hope to have.  That person is the ONE person all politicians fear....all business owners fear them as well because the power they wield is so great the potential for utter ruination of an ordinary life is huge.

This past director, at one time, in a former incarnation relentlessly pursued a "Scooter" as a means to get to a very high official in another administration.  In short, his badassery is legendary.

And yet....today this man portrayed himself as a trembling sorority girl who finds herself enduring a blind date with a newly minted frat pledge who is far less attractive than she is.  Even going so far as to write about it in her diary and send it to a "friend" back home so everyone will know how miserable and put upon she was.  When in fact....all she had to do was say no thank you and walk away.

While I don't think some people served any good purpose in trying to mitigate the circumstance by talking about the inexperience and lack of political acumen of our current President...it is somewhat a known factor.  However, Mr. Comey has risen through the political rank and file like a bullet to the top and he KNOWS.  And he knows he knows.  And the President knows the director knows as well.  As a person who works for the American people he has a moral responsibility to the person those people elected to protect not only his own integrity but that of the man who holds that high office.

"Sir, this is an inappropriate meeting that I am uncomfortable with not only for myself but for you, even though, in the past I have requested private meetings with you...this situation is different and we need to make sure we are both protected by having others in the room with us."  It might have made the President mad but at least we could have all looked at that as a righteous move on the director's part.

Throughout his testimony today, he repeatedly made statements like "it was my impression, and I could be wrong" or "I just got the feeling, and maybe I'm wrong" and worse...."I just wasn't brave enough."  At least he stopped short of declaring himself the victim of sexual assault.

Really.

This is the ex-director of the F B freaking I and he was afraid of a 70 year old man who he knows if that  man crosses him he can rain hell fire down on him and all his descendants in Biblical proportions.

I.Don't.Buy.It.

Not for one single second

Intention

intention  - noun - in-ten-tion:  A determination to act in a certain way: resolve

I think about this word....a lot.  Oddly enough, it also means, "a process or manner of healing of incised wounds."

Hmmmmmm.....maybe wounds inflicted by careless tongues or thoughtless deeds?

Intentions...those things of which the road to hell is paved with.

Then, there are people who "intend".  They intended to call, they intended to offer help, or solace or maybe a kind word.  They intended to apologize.  The intended a lot of things, but something always kept getting in the way, something always stopped them right on the threshold of intention on the way to action.  And, suddenly.....there were no more chances to act.

I find myself, often, learning of a life shaking event and thinking "oh, I intended to tell her/him just how much I enjoy knowing them, or how much I love having them in my life!"  That lack of action of intention leads to REGRET and regret soon gives way to guilt which results in sadness. 

So, if over the course of the coming years, you find yourself on the receiving end of my action and resolve, don't be surprised.  I am resolved to live my life with intention followed up by action.  I don't make resolutions but I fully am committed to intention driven actions.  And, in the process, I'm going to like myself a little more and stop allowing others' lack of action influence my behavior.  I intend to be happy, I intend to be content, I intend to be kind, I intend to do the best thing I know how to do, and I intend to be me.  And my actions will reflect these intentions because I choose not to perish being afraid to open the door of an action driven existence any longer.

Apology NOT Accepted

I guess I don't completely understand the whole concept of regret, acceptance, accountability, and apology.  Or....I'm just not good at the last part.

I live with tons of regret and I've come to realize that the more regret I have and the more I allow it to break my heart, there are some people who are perfectly willing to allow me to suffer that regret without any means of attempting to fix it.

I accept a lot of things about myself.  I know I am selfish, I am VERY opinionated and not afraid to let it fly (which causes me no small amount of that word REGRET.)  I am stubborn, willful, and at times down right mean spirited.  Sometimes the realization of those points occurs to me while I am spewing that thing called OPINION.  I am not always a nice person....I'd like to be....I try to be, but I fail more often than not.  On the flip side of the tarnished penny of "ME", is the fact I love too easily and expect that because I love someone - warts and all, they will return that favor.  I also come to a point of forgiveness pretty quickly and once I do I start trying to make amends.

I find it interesting that it takes more than just you to wreck a relationship, but one often finds themselves trying to "fix" what is broken all by themselves.

When you ask for forgiveness for your part in a strained relationship and you are met with a bullet list of all the things you did to cause the rift with no acceptance on the part of the other individual regarding their contributing role, what do you do?  The last thing that I want to do is get caught up in a circular argument when it is apparent that the other person sees nothing wrong in what they have said or done.  Instead, they only want to paint themselves as the victim in the situation which almost leads you to ask "what will it take for you to get over this, feel better about this or move on?"

And when that conversation just stops with no conclusion....then what?

I fully think that if someone apologizes to you....you owe them either the acceptance of that apology or you need to simply say "I don't accept your apology."  To leave someone hanging without knowing if they should continue to try to mend a fence or simply dust off their shoes and move on is pretty dehumanizing.  And....I am also finding that it is almost impossible for someone to just open up enough to "own" their part of a situation.  Is it really that painful to admit that yes, you might have played a role in the disagreement as well?

I guess I am greatly blessed and infinitely lucky that I am a firm believer in the forgiveness of God because I know he sees my heart all the way through the layers of black and grey and finds the small little red beating part and gives me the benefit of the doubt.  Over the course of the past 6 or 7 years, I have inflicted on myself much to atone for and I have genuinely tried to begin that process only to find people who will not accept it, reject it or own any degree of it.

I'm pretty sure my "Apology Tour" has come to a close.  I've owned my behavior, regretted my words and actions, acknowledged the need for healing and attempted to accomplish it.  I've put my balls into the other courts and it remains with the other players to decide if they want to play them or let them lay there.  But, I will continue to be #sorry.

I'm A'gin It!

Here is my feeling about the whole Stephan Colbert issue, not that anyone cares, but I always like to have my opinions on record.  I enjoy the private hate mail.

First of all, I have a hard time with people who think they are the be all, is all for the whole world and seem to be more impressed with themselves than they are the impact they have on others.  People who star in their own movies rarely exist in a reality I recognize.  Therefore, they simply cease to have any direct impression on me.

The things this questionable self appointed comedian had to say recently weren't funny, weren't helpful, weren't respectful of anyone and created nothing positive at all.  And in fact, he merely served to amp up the hate and negativity a lot of us are striving to put behind us.  But there will always be those who enjoy a fire so much, they can't help but run up and throw their little cans of gasoline on the blaze to make it bigger and burn brighter and they don't care about the after party.....at.all.

I know there is a huge cry for him to be fired and while I don't disagree that there should be some accountability for his actions, I don't believe this is the best course.  I think for conservatives to resort to the tactics we observe from the radicalized left and the snowflakes in the land, is the wrong course of action.

I believe we should hold ourselves to a much higher standard that the examples being played out for us in the media every day..

What Mr. Colbert and his network deserve to have happen is for people like me to simply slip out the door and not watch another thing they put forth.  Advertisers should merely say, "we've decided not to advertise with you in the future" and offer no explanation....just leave and take your money with you.

At some point....someone will review the timeline for falling ratings and diminishing revenue and trace it back to the root of its beginning and at that point they have the opportunity to continue down the path they've set their feet upon, or embark on a new journey.

That would be an interesting thing to follow, as so far it hasn't happened with certain factions of the political arena or the news.  They just don't get it and they keep thinking they can strong arm us into not knowing or feeling what we know and feel.  It isn't going to happen.  We are smarter, better informed, better researchers and far more driven than they give us credit for but instead of listening.....they continue to grind the same grist in the mill.

I say, let Colbert hoist himself on his own petard....let him spin on his own whirlygig and eventually stew in his own juice.  I don't have time for him....he simply doesn't matter enough for me to give him fuel for his own personal little blaze which will eventually become his own roast.

And that's the way I sees it!

Oh No They Didn't

It has taken me a while to write about this.  Mainly because I wanted to make sure that the person involved had truly moved on and was no longer bothered by it.

My husband, a veteran and disabled with two knee replacements, has struggled with the fact that he feels he no longer has a purpose in life....spelled J O B.  I think a lot of us don't realize just how much self worth is attributed by being gainfully employed - particularly to men.  It is really difficult when that desire to remain productive has a qualifier of "things you really shouldn't do with two metal knees."  Few people truly understand that doesn't inhibit your interest in doing something and yet even more people will ask that person to do the very things they shouldn't.  First rule of artificial knees - don't kneel and for God's sake don't spend a lot of time ascending and descending ladders.  Now when construction was your "go to" skill when the world went crazy and you lost your "using your thinker" job, that makes for a frustrated man.

Because of my hearing trouble, I enlisted the help of the Arkansas Rehabilitation Department who were very helpful in burning the underbrush of job search and helping me find something possible.  Therefore, when Roger truly decided he wanted to a) do something other than build crap for me and b) make a little money doing it, we went to ARD again.

Recently, they hooked Roger up with an online training program that would teach you in a 3 week 8 hour a day on line class how to provide customer service.  (Think of those people you get when your garage door opener won't work - or you can't find the battery compartment in your whoozits).  Well, this seemed good....work from home, kind of technical....Yay!  Plus, they were very veteran friendly.

BUT NOT!

Based on this program, we invested in a new laptop with Windows 10 - (trust me, if you aren't familiar with this operating system, you better get on board NOW), we invested in a second monitor, a microphone headset and had already called our internet provider to have our internet speed bumped up with ethernet because we were deemed "inadequate."

Class began, and a whole lot of time was spent with the trainer not being able to access their own teaching modules, trying to figure things out, etc.  And yet....Roger persisted staying sat in a chair for hours on end, waiting for them to get their stuff back on line after crashing, etc.  Then, two and half days into training as he was trying to move into a new module, his credentials quit working.  He tried repeatedly to log in and got nowhere until he received a message telling him someone would be calling him shortly.

He waited two hours and finally they called and told him his computer skills weren't adequate for what they required.  Please know that in all the preliminary talks regarding this "job" they did not mention you had to be proficient in Windows 10 or what your internet speed needed to be.  Just internet connectivity and basic computer skills were required.

So, in essence, after spending a bunch of money and 2 1/2 days of his time he was "fired" from a training program.  That helps a person's ego now doesn't it?

Roger is one of those people who just goes silent and deep with things like this.  However, I am one of those people who goes nuclear and loud.  The first thing I did was call the ARD and tell them what happened as they provide those online training programs with a lot of their people which translates into a lot of $ for those companies.  I rattled every cage in every zoo I could find.

Now, the training program wants to have him back in the program, but we think no.  It's kind of like being newly married and coming home the day after the honeymoon, to find your spouse has run off with the mailman - the trust is broken, plus we don't think we can afford them.

I am absolutely happy with the knowledge that the ARD probably has made their ears bleed with their disapproval over how this was handled and that they are also further armed with a lot of information they did not have prior to this event.

Hopefully, there are still people out there who look at people who are "mostly retired" but still productive, honest, dependable, smart, and willing that will say to themselves "hey, I don't need a full time body....but I could use a guy like that 10 or 15 hours a week."  And hopefully, there are even more people out there willing to go to bat for those men and women who still want to say "I work to pay my bills and take care of my family" - even if that family is only a bunch of little brown dogs.