Recently, someone of some celebrity seemed to indicate that women tend to make their sons more spoiled and entitled than their daughters. Indicating that we expected more from our girls and less from boys.
I'm not sure what she bases this opinion on having never raised boys herself but I beg to differ.
In my case, I raised one of each of these little critters and I can tell you for sure I was much harder on my son than I was my daughter. However, my daughter was extremely hard on herself, she had this inner drive to succeed and she pushed herself much too hard. And, it wouldn't surprise me a bit if she argued that I was tougher on her.
Coming from the background I did I expected my boy to be brave, to not be a cry baby, to exhibit more masculine traits. This had to be hard for him as he has a very tender heart, a sensitive spirit and a great deal of creativity which lends itself to a softer side. He also has a very hard head and a strong will. He isn't prissy at all, he likes guy stuff, has been known to resort to fisticuffs on occasion and I have no doubt he is all man. But, I will say there were times I enabled my son in some wrong thinking mainly because I was just so worried about where he might land in life. For a pretty long time I was solely responsible for both my kids and it is danged hard to be the only adult/parent in the room. Sometimes, you just get tired and you let down and you let them down.
I am a huge believer in personal accountability, I think decisions you make you HAVE to own, and learn from, and do better. I am not a fan of excuse makers. If you try hard enough you can find a good reason for almost everything you do that places the blame on someone else. My children's father is a man of many stories and in every story he tells he either emerges as a hero or a victim (more often the latter) whichever suits his purpose. I've often said that if he were a book, every chapter ended one page too soon. But to continue would cast a whole different light on the story he tells.
Blaming others for our shortcomings just isn't productive because not stepping up and owning your stuff stifles your growth and eventually creates a mindset and trend that only gets worse as you get older.
My biggest advice to anyone is to realize that none of us have had a perfect life. We have all crashed into the potholes of life and come out stinking. But every dip in the road, crack in the wall, or obstacle placed in our path provides us with two choices. 1) Take that imperfect life and use it as a foundation to build something far better. ....or.....2) Take that imperfect life and wrap it around yourself as a blanket of excuse and never have anything better to show for yourself. Because, that warm lack of accountability blanket eventually becomes a shield that repels every effort and good thing coming your way.
Entitled and spoiled men often share three things....1)Money 2)Power 3)Control - and every one of those things is an absolute corrupter if we are not vigilant.
So, no. As a woman, as a mother I refuse to accept that I might be responsible if my son was a jerk (which he isn't). He has a mind, free choice and the intelligence to make his own decisions. I will own the fact he was first and therefore my human lab rat, my science experiment in parenting. I made a lot of mistakes. I also did some really good things and in the end, he's a pretty decent human being....in spite of me.
Friday, November 3, 2017
Thursday, September 21, 2017
First of all, I am unapologetic about my fascination with reality TV. And while I am relatively new to this particular show (thanks a heap Kristina L), I am a huge student of human nature and people's behaviors and character....or lack thereof.
Here is my take away from this season of Big Brother. *****SPOILER ALERT****** - read no further if you have NOT yet watched the finale or proceed at your own risk.
1) I am not a fan of returning "vets" - in my opinion they have a huge advantage in this game and therefore it is unfair to bring them back for a second shot at winning.
2) One of the biggest mistakes made this season was for the entire house to NOT band together to eject Paul immediately upon his arrival. However, I totally have no problem with Kevin going for the $ in that temptation. In my mind he knew he didn't have a shot to win it all but he took the opportunity to walk away with something. Smart move....however, that move did release the annoyance of the "puppet master" on the house. Every single person in there should have immediately decided he needed to be sent right back out so they could have THEIR season...instead they were all in awe of his huge personality and success from last season soooo they played right into his hands.
3) I liked the temptation thing I thought it added a great little wrinkle to the play but no one used it wisely, therefore, once again....they were dumb.
4) Jessica made two really bone headed moves. First, she should have taken Ramses off the block and put Paul up beside Josh and Paul would have had to reveal his true colors while fighting for his life in the house. Dumb move Jess....you had all the power and wasted it. Secondly, when you had the power to halt the eviction you should have sat on that information until the second the eviction was announced and then unloaded it. You would have caught Paul off balance....as it was...you gave him days to plan yours and Cody's demise. Super dumb.
5) When you have someone in the house who has NEVER been on the block and yet has been in your ear the whole game telling you what to do with your power, common sense should tell you he is doing the same thing with everyone in the house. Did every one of you think you were that special??? I guess so.
6) When someone has to talk so fast they are basically unintelligible (JOSH) you can bet your bottom dollar they are an accomplished liar. Someone should have taken those 2 skillets and flattened his head while he slept.....one of THE MOST annoying humans I have ever seen on TV. The fact he won is beyond comprehension and I hope someone steals his money and makes him cry.
7) Alex, Alex, Alex....I honestly thought you were smart as a tack and I sat waiting for you to turn the house upside down and you left me hanging.
8) While I think Cody and Jessica are a cute couple, I predict that is not a long time thing because I think he will never soften on issues she needs him too. One thing about him - he believes what he believes and doesn't waiver. The fact he stuck the final knife in Paul was almost poetic and just shows that as badly as he hated Josh, he saw Paul for what he was, viewed him the biggest loser in the house and made it happen. And Paul knew it....when the vote was tied and Cody's key remained....I saw hope depart from Paul and my little heart was happy. It speaks to Cody's complete understanding of his own character that when he won fan favorite his only words were "it doesn't make sense." Probably not, but maybe, just maybe there were a whole lot of people who appreciated seeing someone stick to their guns and be willing to take it in the shorts.
9) Kevin might have been the smartest guy in the house...he cruised along like an aging GQ model knowing he had the money in his pocket and anything else was simply.......gravy.
10) Raven who daily sucked on a helium tank and spouted boatloads of ridiculous rhetoric in her squeaky voice was just annoying. Did that girl EVER make sense? I found myself wishing for a large mouse trap to spring on her. And really...she was helping Paul pull strings? Then why were you sitting your butt in the Jury House with Captain Crunch.
11) Christmas just got carried through on the strength of an injury. Throwing comps to her was insulting and she should have never stood for it if she is the strong independent woman she wants to profess herself to be. And let's face it the only reason she gave Josh the time of day was because she thought he would sweep her with him into the final two. Well, ho, ho, ho Christmas Joy.
12) Mark and Elena just kind of were there being swept along on the Paul wave until it crashed on the shore and they were left picking seaweed out of their teeth. I think both of them probably are pretty decent human beings but they were waaaaay out maneuvered in the deception and manipulation department.
13) Jason was kind of a favorite of mine and he and Alex had what it took to win the whole enchilada but they both allowed Paul to turn their heads and Alex allowed her smarts to be sucked up into her kitty ears. They could have rode their collective skill with winning comps and Alexs' supposed game savvy all the way to the end. But sadly, they did not...and honestly that would have been good for the show. This ending was not.
14) Long story short....neither Paul or Josh are good people. They want you to think they are, but they are not. I still think this exercise in human behavior can be done without destroying the core goodness of people. I hate coasters, I want to see honest competition and everyone giving 100% for their own game without throwing crap on someone else and then I want to see good sports both in winning and losing. After last season I do not believe Paul needed the money....he had a brand and a big following, he had the keys to his success from last season....this season it was all about his ego and I quite frankly was happy to see that squashed. I just hated to see JOSH win....to me this was the equivalent of watching a child throw a tantrum in Walmart in the toy aisle until his beleaguered parents give in and just buy him the store. Crying is one thing but his sobbing shrieking meltdowns were only eclipsed by the fact he allowed himself to be used by everyone in the house to just annoy the crap out of Jessica and Cody. She spoke truth when she said it took all of them banding together to put them out. What a pity they couldn't have used that team spirit to deal with Paul early on.
My conclusion on this season is that there were a whole lot of really not very nice people in that house and it could be a microcosm of society in general...in essence....a pretty good little dose of reality.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
Let me go on record by saying statues and monuments are horribly offensive....let me show you why.
This one celebrates a grown man who made loads of money playing a game for a living. I mean....really?
Does it bother anyone else that this old dude is holding this baby in a questionable manner?
Is she cavorting naked with an innocent child?
Clearly someone had waaaay too much time on their hands...and who paid for that and who cares about these guys anyway?
Clearly these children are stealing bread from that poor old woman...again...must go.
Does it bother anyone else that this old dude is holding this baby in a questionable manner?
Is she cavorting naked with an innocent child?
This is a ridiculous waste of the precious resource of electricity...must go.
Clearly these children are stealing bread from that poor old woman...again...must go.
But this one is the worst....fat shaming is just plain wrong.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
If someone comes to you begging for food....do you deny them bread?
If you know that someone needs a little boost up financially....do you find an extra few dollars to help?
If you see a need in a child, or an animal, or an elderly person...do you try to fill that need?
Chances are, we are charitable with our goods, our money, and our time.
But, how charitable are we with our words? Do you "see" that person who needs to hear you say you appreciate them and that you love them? Do you "hear" the silence of their yearning to know you care, that you recognize you don't take a minute to acknowledge their existence?
Sometimes, all it takes to turn a person's entire day around is a simple "seeing" them and letting them know you are grateful for their presence in your life.
If you are lucky enough to have your parents, let them know. If you have been blessed with a slightly flawed, imperfect yet inherently good person to share your life with...let them know you love them, that you value them. And, if God has allowed you to never know the pain of losing your child...give them as much good and loving advice as you have means to give....for no one will ever love your child as much as you do. No one else will love them enough to try to help them avoid the potholes on the road of life.
Don't let yourself be guilty of turning your back on a beggar....especially those who only want you.
Saturday, July 22, 2017
Sometimes you have to watch from around the corner while people endure the most heart wrenching pain imaginable. And, you are helpless to do anything that can make a difference at all....and so....you watch, you pray, you cry, you do whatever little things you can to help...and you learn.
You learn that during an inexplicable tragedy like the sudden loss of multiple lives, there is really nothing else on earth that really matters. Petty issues, problems, dysfunction, spats, quarrels, hurt feelings and unkind and unthinking words pretty much pale in comparison. You relearn that any issues you have with anyone had better be taken care of today....right.now. because that chance could be ripped away from you with no warning and you will be left with a whole lot of "things I wish I'd dones" and "things I wish I'd saids."
You also learn than no one owns the corner at the intersection of Heartbreak and Grief. We all get to travel through there at varying degrees. Some of us are merely riding through in someone else's vehicle trying to help, while others of us are driving our own car....and often, we feel incredibly alone even when we are not.
I think it is telling of us as humans how we handle the situations where we are unbelievably raw. Do we take the time to understand that everyone grieves, suffers, and experiences pain in different ways? Or do we expect everyone to respond exactly like we do?
It is my belief that we could avoid some of the pitfalls of dealing with grief if we could come to grips with whether our own responses stem from sympathy/compassion or empathy, even though those qualities are related. While they are related they are also different. Empathetic people have the ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person. Compassion/sympathy takes those feelings and thoughts and works them into the desire to help. So does this mean that these two qualities are two sides of the same coin? I think in most cases it does. We have to be careful not to get stuck in our empathy and not progress on to how we can best help to improve a situation. Narcissistic people cannot recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others and in my experience some of those people are rabid empaths. They feel the emotions at the center of the issue but they assume them as their own and it becomes more about them than anyone else. They are stuck in their own place, never moving forward or helping in any tangible way.
Feelings of grief are like fireflies. Even when the night has passed where they have burned the brightest, they sometimes flicker at the most inopportune moments in the light of day. Some of us need to release those feelings in very vocal ways while others of us internalize, and then one day, we are taken to our knees from the overwhelming weight of what we feel.
You see things everyday on television where people say things like "well she/he never even cried." Maybe not. Maybe they never did....maybe they simply just died inside. Speaking personally, I have a bit of a tendency to under-react the closer and bigger things are to me. When my mom passed away...I was pretty stoic...I was sad, incredibly tired, and more than a little confused. But probably my behavior wasn't as overtly grief stricken as some might deem appropriate. Then a month later, a little dog I cared about was killed and I went absolutely to pieces. It was about the dog....somewhat. But, it was more about the fact I had squashed down all that agony over mom and once I allowed it oxygen to breathe it roared into a fire I had difficulty dealing with.
I once had to try to explain to someone why they needed to try to realize that while the death of someone was painful to them, they needed to understand their own place inside the pattern. In this case it was the mother of their friend. She had treated them incredibly well and they had spent a lot of time around her and they were suffering, and I knew that. But I explained to them that to allow their feelings to overtake them when there were others closer to the epicenter of the issue would not be very helpful. That event firstly happened to the woman, then her husband, children, parents and grandparents if they were still living, and siblings, then extended family members - aunts, uncles, cousins and then friends and acquaintances. I had to gently remind my own suffering child that while he loved her a lot, he needed to try to stand strong for his friend who had justlost his mother. In that moment, he needed to express sympathy and compassion and find a way to help, even though I knew that he absolutely "felt" that pain. It was not intended to diminish his own feelings but to try to help move him to a place of positive contribution as opposed to rushing into a burning building carrying a can of gasoline.
In the long run, it is my hope that every instance of grief can serve as a catalyst to repairing relationships, healing hurt feelings, and learning to live life a little better day by day. To come more and more often from a place of kindness and love. To look more and more to the creator of us all as our ultimate destination on this journey called life which unfortunately is filled with many rest stops called grief.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
It has been a minute since I shared a mom story, but this one popped into my memory today.
After daddy died, Mom spent a while trying to stay in Amarillo, but she just wasn't happy there. Since I was her only biological child, she wisely decided she should move closer to me. Plans began to be made as to how to accomplish such a mammoth move.
At that time, my husband worked for a local company here that often had trucks dead heading back to Arkansas and his company generously offered to let us move mom's household stuff in one of those trucks. We hired about 5 man power guys to pack and load her belongings and we had someone who was also responsible for carting all the stuff to storage that she didn't want to bring right now.
We had already sourced a great apartment in a really nice neighborhood and location so once her things arrived, mom was soon settled in.
Several months passed and she let us know that she was ready to have the stuff from storage that she had left behind in Amarillo. It was right around Thanksgiving time so Roger and I both took off work and told her we would go to Amarillo and get the rest of her stuff.
Mom assured us that it would all fit in Roger's Chevy truck , so off we went.
We got into Amarillo pretty late so we opted to motel it for a night and hit it hard early the next morning. November in the panhandle of Texas is usually pretty chilly and that year was no exception but we bravely set out the next morning to the storage complex with our truck, ready to load up and head home.
When we arrived at the storage place, I took the key mom had provided and soon learned it.was.NOT.the.right.key. So now we have quite a conundrum. Between Roger's pockets, my purse, the key ring mom had given me, the glove box in the truck and the console we had probably seven sets of keys. We tried each one of them one by one. Wonder of miraculous wonders, one of the keys on one of Roger's key rings worked! How? I have no idea. God took pity on us.
We were elated.
It was short lived.
When that storage door rolled up, we were met with a solid wall of Rubbermaid tubs, boxes, barrels, and loose household furniture. In short, we were about a semi-truck short of the needed equipment to get it all home.
So....off we went to U-Haul to rent a trailer....oh, and have a trailer hitch installed because the one on our truck would not work for the trailer we rented. That all took the better part of a day. By now, I can see my husband's patience is starting to fray.
We decided to not continue, but to load up the next day and head home. So, we spent another night in a motel, something we were not financially well prepared for at that time.
The next morning was freaking freezing and the wind was blowing straight out of the north at about 50 miles an hour.
We loaded as much in the truck as we could and started filling up the trailer. Each item that went in to that trailer made me doubt that we would find room for everything in the storage unit. We were quickly running out of space. So we decided to double stack the truck and tarp it.
We found a Walmart out in the middle of Nowheresville, literally sitting all by itself out there on the prairie in Amarillo. We bought a tarp, some rope, a pair of scissors and began the task of securing our load for a long drive back to Arkansas.
Trying to wrestle that tarp in gale force freezing winds could easily become an Olympic event. Roger finally made me get in the truck because we were both freezing and I know he was probably muttering profane statements regarding my mother....me....Texas....that he didn't want me to hear and take issue with.
So, I'm in the cab of the truck with the heater blowing, teeth chattering, watching to see if he signals for help. As I'm watching, he lays the scissors down on the edge of the truck bed to secure the tarp with rope and the wind lifts the scissors and blows them OVER the truck.
At that moment, Roger opens the truck door, crawls inside and says "f this, we are going home." This is not his usual preferred expression....so I knew that the patience had flown and I needed to tread carefully or I might too.
And so we started for Arkansas just in time to travel in a freezing rain storm that ended up laying a solid sheet of ice on the highway.
We must have been quite the sight...flapping tarp, piles of useless junk and pulling a U-Haul. Each attempt to find a place to eat devolved into pulling into places that had no power due to the ice storm, or simply had no food.
I honestly can't remember how long it took us to get home, but it wasn't a quick or pleasant trip. But, mom was happy to have her stuff and she was wildly unapologetic about our trials and tribulations to make that happen for her.